Thursday, April 17, 2008

Thought Bubbles

If a cow laughed real hard would milk come out of her nose?

I feel as if I am entering an unfamiliar world, there are so many emotions peculating within me.

Change is in the air, palpably so.

Spring is finally truly here, and with the coming of the sun, my mind has lost the last of its cotton batting, I am full of wants, wishes, dreams, and needs.

Mr. Son leaves tomorrow. I am excited for him, filled with hopeful dreams for him. The journey he is about to embark upon has so much potential. Unknown potential, there can be few expectations because the entire journey is unpredictable. There are no certainties, except that he will be spending 20 plus hours on a Grey Hound bus. The rest, it is up to him, the weather, the terrain, the people he will meet.

I soooo totally want to be doing something similar.

A dream I have entertained for so many years of my just take off...leaving no responsibilities just whatever direction takes my fancy. Seeking out the off beaten track, the oddities of this country of ours. The well known places enter into it as well, but mostly I want to just float from place to place...stopping here or there. Funny thing is, I know two men who have done just that, I don't know any women who have. I want to be the woman.

So, Mr. Son is leaving, he will not really be gone that long, a couple of months at the most, but I am full of small and large worries already. Knowing there will be moments in each day, when I will wonder, when I will gaze off into the distance and think of him, wondering if he is well, where he is, what he is doing. Knowing that to keep my sanity, there will also be moments when I will forget he is away, when I will forget he is off on his quest. Then there will come a moment when I will remember, and the worry will immediately eat at me. But, I also know there will be many moments when I will be filled with the vicarious thrill of him going off to live his dream.

There is this one part of me that feels all I wrote above. There is another part of me though, that looks at his near empty bedroom (he has packed much of his belongings away), and I have plans for it, (he has already told me he expects me to move in there). Plans to repaint, to get a real bed, maybe even a queen size bed! There are guilty thoughts too. I won't have to buy 4 gallons of orange juice a week, one will do. Thoughts of grocery bills cut in half. Thoughts of no more toothpaste being spat into my kitchen sink. Thoughts of no more cigarette butts found ground out in my favorite coffee cup.

Another part of me, knows I will miss him, I will miss our occasional late night chats, his unique viewpoint on the world. I will miss his warm brown-hazel eyes, and that quick smile of his. I will miss hearing the giggles and guffaws of him and Miss Daughter enjoying each other, I will even miss their arguments. I will miss hearing his voice, even though there are times he sounds so much like his father. I will miss hearing him mumbling to himself when he thinks he is alone. I will miss listening to him practice his not-whistle, he can't whistle, he never could, as a small boy he would spend what seemed like hours trying to whistle, and now when the whimsy strikes he will spend upwards of thirty minutes trying to emit a real trill of a whistle. It never happens though...maybe on the trail. It makes me smile just to think of it.

Miss Daughter and I are going to drive him to the bus station tomorrow morning, we will go out for a late breakfast first, and then he will board his bus. She and I will look at each other, our eyes will meet, we will share a smile because he is off following his dream, then our smiles will falter, we will hug, we will cry a little, she will return to school, and I will return to work. We might forget he is gone, until we return home. It will take a few days, maybe a week or two, then we will grow accustomed to his absence. We will create new routines, new ways to fill the places he fills, then he will return, and we will happily open up that space for him again, until he finds a place of his own.

I was speaking to a dear friend the other day, he is in the midst of a love affair. He is infatuated, filled with lust, but also love, so much love. There are circumstances hindering their being together, and it is tearing him apart. He doesn't sleep, is barely functioning at work, and riding a roller coaster of emotions. In his sharing of the angsts he has been going through, we have become closer than ever before. There are many similarities between his lover and I, many differences as well, but the similarities are enough that I make a very good sounding board for him.

Anyway, in the midst of one of our conversations, he said to me, "Sunny, you deserve to be loved You deserve to loved for who you are, as you are. You deserve to be shown the affection you so richly deserve. You are smart, loving, funny, even though you are a little crazy. I love you, and you deserve to be listened to, your opinions count. You deserve to be cherished. You deserve it all, please don't settle for less than that. You DO deserve it."

I told him I wouldn't settle. I may not know what I want in this life, but I have learned what I don't want.

Of course it is difficult at times to think, "I do deserve it." There are times when I find myself falling backward, allowing all of my years of guilt, and negative thinking to come to the fore. But, I also come out of it much faster than I used to.

There are days when I know who I am, and even though I am often a confusing mix of needs unmet, and not wanting some of those needs met, because having those needs met will not help me continue to grow. There are days in which I feel I can do anything, and days when I feel as if I have no capabilities at all. There are days when I really do believe it when I say, "Damn! I'm good!" There are also those days in which I quiver on the edge of despair wishing I were better than I am.

I am a major procrastinator, I almost seek out failure with my utter lack of motivation at times. But, then the little voice in my head starts in, "What are you doing? You don't want to fail, you can't, you would hate yourself if you allow that. Get up, get moving, give it your best shot. Do it, do it now!"

I have so many plans roaming around in my brain, they build upon each other to the point that I feel as if I will not accomplish any of them.

I have flower and vegetable beds to dig, shape, and plant, a riding mower I have to do the spring maintenance on (and I don't know how to do it! But I know I can), grass to mow--soon! I have a clothes dryer to repair, a tub that needs caulked or replaced, walls to paint, floors to repair, carpets to clean, bookshelves to design...maybe build. I have a divorce to finish, dogs to train, screens to repair, bird feeders to put up (buy first), a divorce to finish, a Girl Scout trip to plan, a High School Graduation Open House to plan, and a Graduation party to plan the week after. I have a test to prepare for, a daughter I need to spend time with. I have a body that currently feels like an old bloated toad's belly that needs exercise--badly! I have 30 clients to open before the end of the month. I have a mother and father to cherish, a sister and a niece that need my help, a friend/lover I want to spend time with. I have books stacked knee high that are calling to me to be read, spiderwebs that need removed, mice to relocate, tools to find, lists for the divorce settlement to make. I have to buy new tires, and stone for my driveways, (and I have no money *whine*). All before the end of May.

Looking over my list of must dos, for that is how I see them they are not should dos, there were advantages to being married. Anything on the list that has repair as a part of it, my husband would have done, or we would have done it together. Now it is all my responsibility, I don't regret it, but being the Queen of Procrastination, I do wonder how much of it I will actually accomplish.

Ah well, this is my life. A life I am choosing. Even though I am whining, it is kind of exciting, because it is MY LIFE.

1 comment:

Deb said...

It's hard when kids leave, I know. You miss them and don't miss them, all at the same time. And a part of me is jealous as well, that they're just starting out, that they're so full of plans and hope. I remember that girl I used to be, everything was possible.

"There are days when I know who I am, and even though I am often a confusing mix of needs unmet, and not wanting some of those needs met, because having those needs met will not help me continue to grow."

Me too, me too.

Take care sweetie.