Sunday, April 20, 2008

In a Mood

A few days ago, someone said to me, "You're in a mood."

Which took me aback at first, but he was right. I was in a mood, and have been off and on for several days.

I am in a mood...A mood in which I really don't see much in my life that I really like lately.
I can take it apart, examine each small part, and always, always find something positive, but damn it all, sometimes I really just need to NOT do that! I need to allow myself some anger, some self-righteous feelings, maybe...gasp...maybe...I should just allow myself to wallow in some of my more judgmental opinions before I discount them for what they are.

I am in a mood...A mood in which I can laugh, cry, sing, mope, pout, dance, and cry again, within moments.

I am in a mood...A mood that at times gives me the strength to say exactly what I am thinking without trying to sugarcoat it. I am so very weary of being nice all of the time. I am tired of not saying what I think because it might hurt someone's feelings, or might be taken as too harsh.

I am in a mood...A mood that encourages me to just get plain pissed off when I ask someone what they're thinking, and they say, "Nothing special". If they don't want to tell me what they're thinking then just say so. Or, tell me, just tell me, what they are thinking...because I know their minds are not empty! OK, I take that back, some of the people I talk to...yeah their minds could truly at times be empty...but most of the people I speak with are fairly normal...and no normal brain IS EVER EMPTY!

I am in a mood...A mood in which I am angry at myself, for allowing idiotic 'stuff' to depress me.

I am in a mood...A mood that is exhibiting itself because I have some emotional feelings buried extremely deep...feelings that for some damn reason I am not willing to deal with.

I am in a mood...A mood created by my feelings of guilt over this divorce. Why do I keep feeling guilty? He hurt me! He manipulated me! He used cruel behaviors because he knew exactly how I would react, the emotions they would engender, and more, so much more. Yet, I carry this damn guilt, reviling myself for being so selfish.

* * * * * * *

"Never Grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be"
~Cynthia Paddleford~

"A 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble."
~Mahatma Gandhi~

"If you have made mistakes. . . there is always another chance for you. . . You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down but the staying down."
~Mary Pickford~

"I have no time for those who whine and cry but do not exert themselves to try to actively improve a situation they are unhappy about." ~anon~

"Some people prefer the passenger role, because it imposes no real pressure to decide or stand accountable for their life results."
~Phillip C. McGraw~

"The only difference between a Rut and a Grave is their dimensions
~Ellen Glasgow~

"Be yourself! Be yourself, the magazines insistently croon, so long as your REAL self has a killer body and a starlet's face. Granted the magazines also speak to ambition and self-worth, but image rules tyrannically over all."
~Judith Timson (speaking about teen magazines), McCleans, Sept 2001.~

"Most so called professionals would say that those that find themselves in abusive relationships suffer from low "self esteem"... This is subjective clap trap. What abused people suffer from is a lack of self worth. Which is not something you can chant yourself into believing. You earn it by working for it. The value you place on yourself as a human being will be determined by the work you do to become a thinking human being."
~James A. (Mac) Warren~

"Principles only mean something if you stick by them when they are inconvenient."
~Laine Hanson" (played by Joan Allen) from the movie "The Contender"~

"I like to look good, that makes me a tease. I like to eat, that makes me a pig. I like to get off, that makes me a slut. I like to be treated with respect, that makes me a man-hating dyke. Trust me, I have no problem being labeled a bitch."
~ Maddy~

"What does it mean to feel "in control" of your life? What I mean by control is the ability to make a choice. Personal sovereignty means that you choose from what is available in order to be intentional about your life...When you feel in control of your life, you know yourself to be the author of your own actions and know that you always have choices."
~ Polly Young-Eisendrath, from "Women and Desire"~

"Self-castigation does no one any good, most especially the castigator."

"There is no magical unicorn that will save me from myself. It's up to me.
~a plagarism from somewhere~

* * * * * * *

*and no, I am not prementrual, nor menstrual, but I have been drinking, and I need some long strong fingers to give me a massage, one that leaves me moaning...preferably in ecstasy.

**I am also in a mood, because I have a fricking colony of mice living in my house that retribution for the stomped one?


Deb said...

Sounds like you need to get mad, yell and scream, break something, maybe dishes? As for the mice, get a cat. It works.

As for the mood, me too. I think it's my age and my declining estrogen levels. I no longer feel the need to make nice all the time.

Sunny Delight said...

In a sense I do...breaking things is not my style...maybe I need to start.

My biggest need is indefinable to me at the moment. A part of it has to do with time to let the pride go.