I have been examining this recent mood of mine. In the process of self-examination I have arrived at several conclusions.
- Without even really realizing it, I have been editing what I write here, just because it is read. I am of the mindset, that an occasional comment is useful in the learning process, but, if I am unable to post my honest emotions then I need to take the blogs private. This is a record of my journey, a record I know I have to write, as a lifetime of journaling has taught me, having the ability to reread what I have written has often proved a very useful map along my continued road to emotional healing, as it does prove to me that I am 'getting there'.
- I am a bundle of confusion, I listen to words, a plethora of words, yet, there are times when I take more meaning from the words spoken, and am unable to read actions. I have lived so long, distrusting words, I miss something along the way. I hear the words, I read the words, but when I attempt to match the words with actions, there are often so many ambiguities I am unable to make sense of it all.
- I am allowing myself to be distracted from important needs in my life. I must learn to set these distractions aside, as they quickly become detrimental to me and my emotional health.
- This recent mood of mine has taught me...how completely and complexly human I am...I am lost, I am found, I am depressed, I am more centered than I have ever been, I have dreams, I have hope, I live a life of quiet desperation at times, I am a quivering bundle of unmet needs, I am filled with desires, I am filled with joy, my soul is hungry, yet there is nothing to fill it, I am filled with the need to be gathered up in the arms of a lover, and to be held for hours and hours, I am filled with the need to be shown love, yet I am not ready for such a love, I am imperfect, yet in some ways I am perfect because I am me, I am hiding so much pain, yet so willing to let it out when I trust...but I can't trust, trust now has to be earned, I do not give my trust easily any more, I try, oh how I try, this saddens me, but no matter how hard I try, I can't. I am trying in other ways, the best I can, but it doesn't seem to be good enough.
- I keep my emotions buried. Eventually I must let them out, or I become a volcano of emotion. Then the emotions erupt in way I am poor at controlling. At times I don't wish to control them. I am trying the best I can to be open, honest, and loving. Yet even though I try, I fail.
* * * * * * *
My life has become a dance.
I move forward, I move backward,
I sidestep, and sidestep again.
I dance away, I dance to.
I am still learning the steps.
Some days, I know them,
yet they do not flow.
I feel discontent, frustrated, clumsy.
Dancing awkwardly.
Some days, I lose the steps,
the past is alive inside me,
I worry, I fear I have lost my way.
Dancing morosely.
Some days, I watch others dance,
they glide so smoothly, why don't I?
I feel uneasy residing in this body of mine,
Dancing erratically.
Some days, how I dance doesn't matter,
I hear the music, I feel the music,
I am the music, I am peace.
Dancing joyfully.
Grace, joy, love fill the air,
I dance across the sky,
following moon beams.
Not often though, not nearly often enough.
10 comments:
I would love to write more honestly and openly, but my family reads my blog. A private blog for myself sounds appealing.
Take care sweetie.
My family finally knows about the blog, in fact my kids gave me permission to post a photo of them...but no one knows the address or title...yet.
When my eldest son went off to college it threw me for a loop. I had no idea how it impinged on every part of my life: my relationships and my work! This is a huge step in your life that takes some time and adjustment! You are the mama bear in the picture of the last post and what you need is big bear hugs from us around you! HUGS.
The reward is not perfection, just the quest for it. Your imperfections make you just as much you, and just as wonderful as everything else about you.
I still can't open up myself as you do. British reserve..... or worried what I might find?
jac,
You have pointed out something I wasn't allowing myself be aware of, this it truly the first time he has left as a young adult, I can no longer help him pick up the pieces from bad choices, I can only give support. This goodbye has engendered a vulnerability level I have not experienced for quite some time. When I add in all the other things going on, Miss Daughter graduating, the divorce, my job, my extended family's problems, I am overwhelmed, and, oh yes! My work and relationships are suffering for it. Thank you so much for the hug!
Mary,
Thank you, I keep thinking I have let go of thinking perfection is the goal, but maybe I haven't yet... I have a long long way to grow.
s'mee,
You are as near perfect as a human can get!
I share the experience that writing in a blog is quite different than writing in a personal handwritten journal. And the audience is a major factor, as I always consider to whom I am writing and what am I trying to tell them when I write something (letter, email, grant proposal, etc).
But, even in my handwritten personal journals, there would be times that I would think "no, I don't want to say that". A thought would pass my mind and I would consider it and then, at times, not write it down because it wasn't a true reflection of what I was feeling or thinking at the time. That is the value, I think, of this or other forms of journaling - an accurate (as much as possible) reflection of our state of mind.
A question to consider is if the editing that you are doing is hiding the truth of who you really are or what you are feeling.
six...
I have considered that question, and I was hiding some of my feelings, some I was not/am not ready to deal with, in hiding those feelings though, I also look at it as hiding a part of me...thus not showing who I really am...and journaling is twofold for me...I have lived with the fear of forgetting for so long...my journals are memory, in addition is me I want to know...I want to know I am who I think I am, and when I free write...I learn from that.
Although there are days when I don't wish to know any of it...and I just want to do something silly...that mood is coming upon me again, I can't stand to be serious for long...I need to smile it all away sometimes.
I think that sometimes, putting off dealing with specific thoughts, events, or emotions can be a good thing for a period of time. Some things you're not quite ready to deal with all at once.
Mary, for one so young in years, you are very wise. Thank you.
I do know there is only so much I can handle at one time...or I would most definitely crack..
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