I have been examining this recent mood of mine. In the process of self-examination I have arrived at several conclusions.
- Without even really realizing it, I have been editing what I write here, just because it is read. I am of the mindset, that an occasional comment is useful in the learning process, but, if I am unable to post my honest emotions then I need to take the blogs private. This is a record of my journey, a record I know I have to write, as a lifetime of journaling has taught me, having the ability to reread what I have written has often proved a very useful map along my continued road to emotional healing, as it does prove to me that I am 'getting there'.
- I am a bundle of confusion, I listen to words, a plethora of words, yet, there are times when I take more meaning from the words spoken, and am unable to read actions. I have lived so long, distrusting words, I miss something along the way. I hear the words, I read the words, but when I attempt to match the words with actions, there are often so many ambiguities I am unable to make sense of it all.
- I am allowing myself to be distracted from important needs in my life. I must learn to set these distractions aside, as they quickly become detrimental to me and my emotional health.
- This recent mood of mine has taught me...how completely and complexly human I am...I am lost, I am found, I am depressed, I am more centered than I have ever been, I have dreams, I have hope, I live a life of quiet desperation at times, I am a quivering bundle of unmet needs, I am filled with desires, I am filled with joy, my soul is hungry, yet there is nothing to fill it, I am filled with the need to be gathered up in the arms of a lover, and to be held for hours and hours, I am filled with the need to be shown love, yet I am not ready for such a love, I am imperfect, yet in some ways I am perfect because I am me, I am hiding so much pain, yet so willing to let it out when I trust...but I can't trust, trust now has to be earned, I do not give my trust easily any more, I try, oh how I try, this saddens me, but no matter how hard I try, I can't. I am trying in other ways, the best I can, but it doesn't seem to be good enough.
- I keep my emotions buried. Eventually I must let them out, or I become a volcano of emotion. Then the emotions erupt in way I am poor at controlling. At times I don't wish to control them. I am trying the best I can to be open, honest, and loving. Yet even though I try, I fail.
* * * * * * *
My life has become a dance.
I move forward, I move backward,
I sidestep, and sidestep again.
I dance away, I dance to.
I am still learning the steps.
Some days, I know them,
yet they do not flow.
I feel discontent, frustrated, clumsy.
Some days, I lose the steps,
the past is alive inside me,
I worry, I fear I have lost my way.
Some days, I watch others dance,
they glide so smoothly, why don't I?
I feel uneasy residing in this body of mine,
Some days, how I dance doesn't matter,
I hear the music, I feel the music,
I am the music, I am peace.
Grace, joy, love fill the air,
I dance across the sky,
following moon beams.
Not often though, not nearly often enough.