Trail Update

My son's backpack arrived at the bus station today, untouched, all in order. The last I heard from him, he was camping at a state park for the night, then starting out for the trail in the morning.

In my attempts to help him locate the pack, I became a member of a hiker's forum, where I encountered a wonderful group of people. I hope he has the opportunity to meet some of them during his journey.

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Since I filed for divorce last summer, I have had little contact with those people I considered "family friends". Due to the very nature of my marital relationship, almost all of our friends were more my husbands than my own, and I did not wish them to think they had to choose sides. Earlier tonight, I called our friend in Georgia, to thank him for his kindness in helping my son these past few days. It was wonderful speaking with our Georgia friend, it has been a long time since we have taken the time to really talk. I had forgotten how much I miss him. He spent so much of his teen and university years in our home, he was/is like a member of the family.

He is such a sweetheart, I felt rather sad though, because all of this time, he has been holding onto the hope that soon-to-be-ex and I will both change, and work it out...i.e. no divorce. Eventually I was able to convince him that is not going to happen, and he then became quite supportive of me. He asked if I was going to stay here in the area, or move, even suggesting I send him my CV, so that he could forward it to a headhunter friend of his. I thanked him, but know I am not quite ready to leave here yet, not until Miss Daughter has started attending college at least. Then...who knows...maybe the world truly is my oyster.

He, along with several other wonderful people in my life, have finally convinced me, that they do love me, for me, they like having me as a part of their lives. I know that may sound strange to many, but my sense of self-worth suffered quite a lot of damage the past 20 some odd years, but, I think I am really on the road to accepting that I am not such a bad person after all.

I am one very lucky woman, I have such wonderful, giving, loving people in my life, sometimes, I really do forget that.


Today, was a good day.

In a Mood-Part 2

I have been examining this recent mood of mine. In the process of self-examination I have arrived at several conclusions.

• Without even really realizing it, I have been editing what I write here, just because it is read. I am of the mindset, that an occasional comment is useful in the learning process, but, if I am unable to post my honest emotions then I need to take the blogs private. This is a record of my journey, a record I know I have to write, as a lifetime of journaling has taught me, having the ability to reread what I have written has often proved a very useful map along my continued road to emotional healing, as it does prove to me that I am 'getting there'.

• I am a bundle of confusion, I listen to words, a plethora of words, yet, there are times when I take more meaning from the words spoken, and am unable to read actions. I have lived so long, distrusting words, I miss something along the way. I hear the words, I read the words, but when I attempt to match the words with actions, there are often so many ambiguities I am unable to make sense of it all.
  

• I am allowing myself to be distracted from important needs in my life. I must learn to set these distractions aside, as they quickly become detrimental to me and my emotional health.

• This recent mood of mine has taught me...how completely and complexly human I am...I am lost, I am found, I am depressed, I am more centered than I have ever been, I have dreams, I have hope, I live a life of quiet desperation at times, I am a quivering bundle of unmet needs, I am filled with desires, I am filled with joy, my soul is hungry, yet there is nothing to fill it, I am filled with the need to be gathered up in the arms of a lover, and to be held for hours and hours, I am filled with the need to be shown love, yet I am not ready for such a love, I am imperfect, yet in some ways I am perfect because I am me, I am hiding so much pain, yet so willing to let it out when I trust...but I can't trust, trust now has to be earned, I do not give my trust easily any more, I try, oh how I try, this saddens me, but no matter how hard I try, I can't. I am trying in other ways, the best I can, but it doesn't seem to be good enough.
  

• I keep my emotions buried. Eventually I must let them out, or I become a volcano of emotion. Then the emotions erupt in way I am poor at controlling. At times I don't wish to control them. I am trying the best I can to be open, honest, and loving. Yet even though I try, I fail.

* * * * * * *

My life has become a dance.
I move forward, I move backward,
I sidestep, and sidestep again.
I dance away, I dance to.
I am still learning the steps.

Some days, I know them,
yet they do not flow.
I feel discontent, frustrated, clumsy.
Dancing awkwardly.

Some days, I lose the steps,
the past is alive inside me,
I worry, I fear I have lost my way.
Dancing morosely.

Some days, I watch others dance,
they glide so smoothly, why don't I?
I feel uneasy residing in this body of mine,
Dancing erratically.

Some days, how I dance doesn't matter,
I hear the music, I feel the music,
I am the music, I am peace.
Dancing joyfully.

Grace, joy, love fill the air,
I dance across the sky,
following moon beams.
Not often though, not nearly often enough.