Monday, July 28, 2008

It's all about me...and forgiveness.

Of late, I haven't been able to write anything, nada, zilch. Journaling has been my outlet for so much of my life, I feel somehow unfinished when I am unable to pen (or type) my thoughts.

I've come to realize these many years and years of digging into my own psyche, these years spent trying to understand my failings (of course I never dig deep to understand my successes) have taken their toll. I've exhausted my compassion for myself. I'm just plain weary of seeking answers. Some I am just not ready emotionally to handle. And, others...well...I already know why...I have known for quite some time. There are aspects of my personality that I just don't like.

I amaze myself at times with my complete willingness to accept others as they are. I am quite willing to always be open, to always attempt to understand, and accept another's behavior/s. There is very little about other people's behavior that I will not accept, (except for the usual suspects of course...ya'know the standards...child abuse, wanton unnecessary violence, deliberately destroying the country you swore to do your best for...those type of things), to all others I seek out their innate goodness instead. I offer them acceptance, and to many in my life love as well. No matter what, I do offer love and acceptance...and for those that have caused me harm, I seek to forgive.

But, I have not forgiven myself. I thought I had, but I haven't.
Why not? I try to tell myself, I'm not so bad.
I've never,
and cannot imagine myself ever, setting out to intentionally harm another with my actions or words. I make mistakes, I'm human. I'm fallible, I misjudge, I sometimes do awful things. Things I beat myself up for. Things that make me angry with myself. Silly self-directed anger. I get mad at myself when I yell at Moose or Turtle, I blame myself for their being youngsters and misbehaving. I criticize myself for my children's poor judgments. Hell, I even blame myself for soon-to-be-ex's behaviors! There isn't much I don't blame myself for.

Once again, I have to ask myself, "Am I that important? That powerful?"

The answer of course is easy, "NO! I'm not!"

I can only be responsible for my own behaviors, no one else's.

Seems so simple.

Yet for doesn't seem to be.

I find myself getting caught up in a cycle of self-anger, self-destruction, self-hatred. The more I allow myself to feel one, the stronger they all become. I then become overwhelmed with fears...fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of nonapproval (my own mostly), which then feeds the parasitical feelings of low self-esteem, and low self-worth.

Allowing myself to continue down this path is me...resisting healing.

With several different folks of late, I have discussed, what at times seems confounding...this need for some to remain victims, long, long after a trauma, long after they should be far along their path to healing. But, in some ways, maybe, I am beginning to understand. This self-loathing, this penance of mine over past mistakes, allows me to continue to be a victim, to continue to feel the pain. I become a martyr to my own pain and feelings of low worth. OK, even I think I am being a bit hard on myself here...yeah...I have made, do make, and will continue to make mistakes...but not for the lack of trying...but then again...if I am unworthy, and despicable...then I don't have to try do I?

Maybe I did have take this hard look at myself. Have I been a victim for so long that I don't know any other way to be? So, I become my own victim?

I think...maybe even know, that I have held this mistaken notion that it is a sign of inner weakness to forgive myself. I know I still have trouble with those aspects of myself that I label as selfish. But, we are all selfish, very few of us are truly selfless. If we act in an unselfish way, is also gives us good feelings about...ourselves.

So, has all of this led me to something profound? Able to take more steps along the path of self-healing? Or, am I more self-involved than ever?

Try, try will stick...Yeah?
Once again, I must breathe, and breathe again, I must let go of the pain, the self-blame, the self-hatred, the self-judgment of the past, and my fears of the future. I have to be vulnerable to, and allow myself to trust in those that are able to see the good in me. I have to let my self-burdening, self-limiting, self-doubting behaviors go.

I am only powerful enough to affect one person. ME!

I have to forgive me.

*Sometimes...I really find myself terribly self-involved can one really be?
Gotta tell myself as many times as it takes...Just live babe, just live the best you can.*

Leona Lewis - Forgive Me


Deb said...

What our parents and society in general failed to teach us is that we can't give to other what we can't give to ourselves. I'm learning to feel compassion for myself and it's so nice. I don't feel like a constant fuck up, but rather, good about myself, which is a nice change.

The thing I found so amazing about beliefs is that they are only beliefs, they're not facts. You made them up once, or your parents did or somebody did and you chose to accept them. The great part about that is that you have the choice to change your beliefs, because they're beliefs, not facts. They're not written in stone.

What would happen if you forgave yourself? What would happen if you accepted the dark parts of yourself? What would happen if you loved yourself instead of hated yourself?

You don't have to be perfect to be forgiven or to be loved, you just have to be human.

Sending you a hug, from one flawed human to another:)

Sunny Delight said...

Thanks Deb, all thoughts well worth incorporating into my own thought processes. I am flawed, we are all flawed, or as one dear friend put it recently, "damaged", it's so true...and it is how we move on, change those beliefs that make us better.

Thanks for the hug, badly in need of one...and one to you to.

S'mee said...

Got to love yourself Sunny, it's a must.

SUH and a X.

Phil said...

You my dear always have and always will be a wonderful, delightful woman. Self anger is tough to let go of because in our heart of hearts we judge ourselves more harshly than anyone else. But letting go is necessary. No one is perfect and there's no instruction manual for putting together the perfect life. You accept imperfection in others, accept it in yourself. I miss our conversations because I always perceived you to be wise and thoughtful, and you are. Ohyeah, and lighten up! You only get one life and there's no time machine to take you back to fix the mistakes. Live and learn. You can only move forward, but you're not doing that if you're focusing on the past.

X. Dell said...

Hmm. I've heard so many other people express what you've expressed here and everywhere. I can't say that they are all female, but they do have something in common.

My professors used to tell me the only difference between psychology and sociology is that one is retail, the other one wholesale. I'mbeginning to suspect that what your seeing isn't so much psychological as it is sociological.

For instance, a lot of guys believe that when something screws up in their lives, someone else is at fault. Something must be wrong with the other person. Oftentimes, society will condone and reinforce this notion, based on the differences in extrinsic value placed on human beings (extrinsic meaning the value placed upon you by others because of what you are, as opposed to intrinsic, which is how valuable you are because of what you do).

We have a tiered society. So, some people carry greater extrinsic value than others. Those with great intrinsic value, but limited extrinsic value are treated differently by othes, and that in turn reinforces and helps internalize a number of feelings that are held within society, but really alien to the individual unless society constantly reiterates the message.

Some people, this is manefest in constant self-doubt, or the inability to forgive one's self for offenses large or trivial, real or imagined.