Of late, I haven't been able to write anything, nada, zilch. Journaling has been my outlet for so much of my life, I feel somehow unfinished when I am unable to pen (or type) my thoughts.
I've come to realize these many years and years of digging into my own psyche, these years spent trying to understand my failings (of course I never dig deep to understand my successes) have taken their toll. I've exhausted my compassion for myself. I'm just plain weary of seeking answers. Some I am just not ready emotionally to handle. And, others...well...I already know why...I have known for quite some time. There are aspects of my personality that I just don't like.I amaze myself at times with my complete willingness to accept others as they are. I am quite willing to always be open, to always attempt to understand, and accept another's behavior/s. There is very little about other people's behavior that I will not accept, (except for the usual suspects of course...ya'know the standards...child abuse, wanton unnecessary violence, deliberately destroying the country you swore to do your best for...those type of things), to all others I seek out their innate goodness instead. I offer them acceptance, and to many in my life love as well. No matter what, I do offer love and acceptance...and for those that have caused me harm, I seek to forgive.
But, I have not forgiven myself. I thought I had, but I haven't.
Why not? I try to tell myself, I'm not so bad.
I've never, and cannot imagine myself ever, setting out to intentionally harm another with my actions or words. I make mistakes, I'm human. I'm fallible, I misjudge, I sometimes do awful things. Things I beat myself up for. Things that make me angry with myself. Silly self-directed anger. I get mad at myself when I yell at Moose or Turtle, I blame myself for their being youngsters and misbehaving. I criticize myself for my children's poor judgments. Hell, I even blame myself for soon-to-be-ex's behaviors! There isn't much I don't blame myself for.
Once again, I have to ask myself, "Am I that important? That powerful?"
The answer of course is easy, "NO! I'm not!"
I can only be responsible for my own behaviors, no one else's.
Seems so simple.
Yet for me...it doesn't seem to be.
I find myself getting caught up in a cycle of self-anger, self-destruction, self-hatred. The more I allow myself to feel one, the stronger they all become. I then become overwhelmed with fears...fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of nonapproval (my own mostly), which then feeds the parasitical feelings of low self-esteem, and low self-worth.
Allowing myself to continue down this path is me...resisting healing.
With several different folks of late, I have discussed, what at times seems confounding...this need for some to remain victims, long, long after a trauma, long after they should be far along their path to healing. But, in some ways, maybe, I am beginning to understand. This self-loathing, this penance of mine over past mistakes, allows me to continue to be a victim, to continue to feel the pain. I become a martyr to my own pain and feelings of low worth. OK, even I think I am being a bit hard on myself here...yeah...I have made, do make, and will continue to make mistakes...but not for the lack of trying...but then again...if I am unworthy, and despicable...then I don't have to try do I?
Maybe I did have take this hard look at myself. Have I been a victim for so long that I don't know any other way to be? So, I become my own victim?
I think...maybe even know, that I have held this mistaken notion that it is a sign of inner weakness to forgive myself. I know I still have trouble with those aspects of myself that I label as selfish. But, we are all selfish, very few of us are truly selfless. If we act in an unselfish way, is also self-gratification...it gives us good feelings about...ourselves.
So, has all of this led me to something profound? Able to take more steps along the path of self-healing? Or, am I more self-involved than ever?
Try, try again...eventually...it will stick...Yeah? Once again, I must breathe, and breathe again, I must let go of the pain, the self-blame, the self-hatred, the self-judgment of the past, and my fears of the future. I have to be vulnerable to, and allow myself to trust in those that are able to see the good in me. I have to let my self-burdening, self-limiting, self-doubting behaviors go.
I am only powerful enough to affect one person. ME!
I have to forgive me.
*Sometimes...I really find myself terribly bemusing...how self-involved can one really be?
Gotta tell myself as many times as it takes...Just live babe, just live the best you can.*
Leona Lewis - Forgive Me