Cravin' Melon, Come Undone
Uncertainty has had me withdrawing, creating distance. I knew I was doing it, but seemed unable to prevent it. Chels recently told me I have been too guarded in recent months. I have been. I was rebuilding my protective walls. Uncertainty and fear sending me into hiding. I love her for telling me, as I was unaware of how far away I had become. Closing up, hiding inside the prison of stone I once built is not where I wish to live my life. I need the warmth of the sun seeping deep into my being to survive, yet I was allowing a tunnel of darkness to envelope and smother me once again. I lived in the dark too long, I cannot do it again. I even find myself uneasy with those who prefer closed blinds, closed doors, and darkness, my husband is such.
So many questions, so many uncertainties in my life at the moment.
There are little things and big things. A test to take, will I pass? A final hearing in less than three weeks, will I still have a home at the end of October? Will it be here? Will I then search out my dreams or continue to hold myself back? Am I good enough, strong enough? Are my sins too great? Will I, can I, trust that what will be will be? Should I take that time? I continue to question. If I were to learn that tomorrow is my last day on this earth ... would I wish to spend that last day in the sanctuary of his arms? Would he wish it too? The answers will only come with time.
I am a perceptive person, or have always thought I was. Good at reading between the lines, even when told, "You're wrong, so wrong in your thoughts or feelings", it would almost always turn out that I was right. But, I cannot trust me. There is what I wish and dream, but it is all misted over by insecurity and fear. Simply smoke signals, unreadable by me.
So, I tell myself, "Give it time, wait, get through the next three weeks, the divorce hearing, the overloaded work schedule, give your heart full of fissures and tears time to heal a little, wait, just wait."
For once in my life I am trying for patience, time, trying to take the time to sort and sift, slowly.
I cry now. I don't know if that is good or bad. I know nothing anymore, only that I am coming undone, desperately trying not to fight it this time. Always in the past if I let down my guard, opened up, if I allowed myself to be free with thought, feeling, and deed, then I was rejected for it. So I learned to hold back, I wove myself an invisible burqa. Portions of me can occasionally be seen, but the covering can quickly fall back into place if need be. The threads of my burqa are weakening, loosening, can I allow this to continue? I want it to, oh how I want to tear it away, take the risk of full exposure, but I wonder if my fear is too great.