What Do I Know?

It seems ... nothing.

Or... not much.

There is so much I feel the need to write, but the words don't or won't come.

There are words drifting across my mind, but they don't stay for long.

Grace. Distant. Time. Need. Unavailable. Dissonant. Blind. Manipulation. Loss. Fate. Vague. Falsehood. Hidden. Running. Courage. Fear. Guilt. Remembrance. Missing. Beauty. Faith. Secrets. Comparisons. Wanting. Cruelty. Selfishness. Deluded. Unwilling. Less. Hope. Lost. Love.

So many more words that need defining.

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I've decided I'm just too dense to know...anything of consequence when it comes to the heart.

I need it spelled out, in plain English, I have to FEEL it, along with the words. No vagaries, no insinuations, not "Don't you know how I feel about you?"

* * * * * * *

As I've recently written I no longer trust myself in the reading of others, at least, not those closest to me.
With some I can be right on target, but those I love, nope, can't do it. I'm lost.
Or.
They are not being truthful with me.

Because if I tell them my interpretation of their words and my feelings, they tell me I was wrong.
Do I take them at their word?
I try to believe their words, not my feelings.

But, what if...their words portray one message, but their actions leave me feeling empty? Shouldn't I suspect all is NOT as they say?

Beautiful words they use. But, they are completely incapable of following through on those words. Which should I trust?

Where does the truth lie? In the words? In the actions? In my feelings? Somewhere in between?

"I love you, I miss you. "
"I miss you too, let's spend some time together."
"I can't. Not right now."

Is missing me better than being with me? Must be so.

* * * * * * *

I spent 30 years living with a man who had NEED. Needs I couldn't fill. Needs that sucked the very life from me because no matter what I did it wasn't enough.

But, maybe, I didn't do enough.

I thought I did, I really did, but now, I don't know.

I tried, I tried so damn hard to be who he wanted, or who I thought he wanted.

But, I do ask myself, if all my failures were simply flaws within me.

* * * * * * *

I loved another man who did NOT NEED me.

And, I thought, this could be good, this could be what I need. He says he loves me, but, he can also do without me. So, I thought, his voicing his love to me was enough.

But.

I found that it was not. I like being needed. It's a fundamental part of who I am. (Ok, so I do know something)

* * * * * * *

What did this first love teach me?

What will the second teach me?

* * * * * * *

Eight years ago, I received the following in a series of notes from my husband;

I love the way you understand me, and the way you occasionally put the wrong thing in the refrigerator.

I love you for helping me see the two wonderful kids we have and how important you all are to me, thank you for your love and your life with me.

I love your desire to learn, know more, your gift with children, you do make a difference, and you always will.

I love the way you always keep yourself so soft, desirable, smelling so good, clean and looking so fine. You are all woman. Yummy

I love the ability you possess to remember the little things that are so important to everyone, it really makes them feel special.

I love those gorgeous deep green eyes.

I love you.

No matter how I tried, I couldn't believe the words as they were written, the actions that followed did not bespeak what the words had. I couldn't FEEL them. But what do I know? It seems...nothing.

* * * * * * *

Another said,

"I love you, remember that I love you."

"I saved them for you, when my life is the way I want it to be, you will share them with me." (or words to that effect)

That time never came, months and months and months flew by, and that time never came.

Almost every time we did something together it was at my suggestion. Shouldn't that have told me something?

Then he said, "You don't know my heart or my soul."

He's right...I don't.

I'm too dense to know...

I need it spelled out, in plain English, I have to FEEL it.

I can't seem to help it, I try, or thought I did. But, what do I know?

* * * * * * * *

I know... that... somewhere... out in the big bad world...there is a man that knows...that...

Yes, I'm crazy.

He understands that there are times when I may say, "Is that tartar sauce? When I really mean is that cocktail sauce?" He knows that I really meant cocktail sauce.

There's a man willing to listen to me ramble on for hours, he's willing to lose sleep because I need to do that rambling.

A man that is willing to drive way way out of his way to show me that crazy ol' me is worth it to him. And, he knows that I'm willing to do the same for him, because I will tell him, and I will show him.

Somewhere out there is a man, who when his eyes rest upon mine, his eyes leave me feeling as if I am the only woman on this earth. His eyes tell me that I am all he needs at that moment, and my eyes tell him the same. For that moment in time, he and I are the only two people in the world. Somewhere out there, is such a person.

That, I know.

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