Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Not Quite Over Yet
Yesterday, was supposed to be D-Day, the date of the final hearing, instead we began mediation proceedings. I went into it not knowing what to expect. I made attempts to appear relaxed, aloof. Didn't work, but I tried. I did OK the first two hours, but by the third I was fading. I felt bruised and fragile. Still do.
I honestly don't know what I am supposed to be feeling. Is there a supposed to feeling?
I ache, again that bruised feeling. Bruised but numb too.
The whole afternoon was bizarre in so many ways. By the end of the day, my mind was unable to comprehend all that had occurred in those four and a half long, long hours. There were moments when I was so near tears it took all I had to keep them from falling. Other moments when I felt anger, or maybe disgust is more the emotion I felt. Disgust that he would use our children as ploys to get what he wants. During those moments, I was able to turn off the sadness and the fear of his anger, and become more assertive. I guess it still comes down to...don't mess with me as a mother, my protective side comes out full force then.
I have not had much faith in my attorney up until yesterday, but, I suppose, when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it all. then he becomes more of a tiger than a turtle. He was completely there for me yesterday, protective and pugnacious. Two attributes that I needed him to have. This is his game after all, and he came out fighting.
I also learned, there are some pretty great, very loving and supportive friends at my side. They were there yesterday morning for me, and today, today so many others told me I was in their thoughts and prayers yesterday. One friend invited me to meditation and prayer this evening. I didn't go, I just wanted to go home, be home. I feel safe here.
I am grateful for my home. I did smile as I drove up tonight. As I looked upon the ramshackle buildings, the lawns full of fallen leaves, even Moose munching on a dead squirrel didn't faze me (well not too much...icky it was). But, mostly I felt a small bit of serenity as I told myself, "I'm home, this is, and will remain, my home."
I am not sure how important that fact really is. But, for today, it's enough.
I should be feeling something more though...shouldn't I? Besides so very translucent and fragile.