Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Not Quite Over Yet

Yesterday, was supposed to be D-Day, the date of the final hearing, instead we began mediation proceedings. I went into it not knowing what to expect. I made attempts to appear relaxed, aloof. Didn't work, but I tried. I did OK the first two hours, but by the third I was fading. I felt bruised and fragile. Still do.

I honestly don't know what I am supposed to be feeling. Is there a supposed to feeling?

I ache, again that bruised feeling. Bruised but numb too.

The whole afternoon was bizarre in so many ways. By the end of the day, my mind was unable to comprehend all that had occurred in those four and a half long, long hours. There were moments when I was so near tears it took all I had to keep them from falling. Other moments when I felt anger, or maybe disgust is more the emotion I felt. Disgust that he would use our children as ploys to get what he wants. During those moments, I was able to turn off the sadness and the fear of his anger, and become more assertive. I guess it still comes down to...don't mess with me as a mother, my protective side comes out full force then.

I have not had much faith in my attorney up until yesterday, but, I suppose, when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it all. then he becomes more of a tiger than a turtle. He was completely there for me yesterday, protective and pugnacious. Two attributes that I needed him to have. This is his game after all, and he came out fighting.

I also learned, there are some pretty great, very loving and supportive friends at my side. They were there yesterday morning for me, and today, today so many others told me I was in their thoughts and prayers yesterday. One friend invited me to meditation and prayer this evening. I didn't go, I just wanted to go home, be home. I feel safe here.

I am grateful for my home. I did smile as I drove up tonight. As I looked upon the ramshackle buildings, the lawns full of fallen leaves, even Moose munching on a dead squirrel didn't faze me (well not too much...icky it was). But, mostly I felt a small bit of serenity as I told myself, "I'm home, this is, and will remain, my home."

I am not sure how important that fact really is. But, for today, it's enough.

I should be feeling something more though...shouldn't I? Besides so very translucent and fragile.


deb said...

Feel whatever you want to, it's okay. You're okay. You'll be okay.

X. Dell said...

I've never been married, so I've never been divorced. This has been a long arduous process for you. I'm wondering if it's like this for everyone (I honestly don't know). Still, in terms of drama, it has been a long time. You might have alredy gone through all the emotions connected with the mediation, and the well's dried up. Then again, maybe you'll feel the impact when you care to feel it (the psyche's wonderfully adaptable that way).

I don't envy you. If I had words of wisdom for you, I'd give them to you for free (or for a low, low price, but only if you ACT NOW!). Yet I'm hoping only the best for you.

plan0 said...

You'll hold together girl, I have faith in you. Your translucency is transitory.

S'mee said...

Debs right,feel whatever you want Sunny. Several friends keep telling me how I should feel. I cherish their friendship but would never treat their advice seriously.

Wish my arms were longer for a SUH.

Fiona said...

There is so much beauty in fragility and translucency. My instant visual was of gossamer wings. Fragile, translucent but oh so strong and powerful, with the ability to lift up, up, up.

I'm sorry this continues to hurt in the way it does, and that he isn't able to pull above it all and leave the kids out of it. Sadly, that seems impossible in so many divorces. I know that you, Sunny, will always take the higher ground.

As for being at the bottom, in your previous post comments, I always say that's not altogether a bad place to be as it gives you something to push hard against to bring you back up. A bit like sinking to the bottom of a swimming pool, then kicking off the bottom and pushing all the way up to break the surface.

P.S. How cool - my word verification is 'change' :)