Friday, October 31, 2008
So much going on inside me, and I don't know what to do with it all.
I end up asking myself, "WHAT, what do you want, what do you dream of, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?!!"
It seems I am afraid of the answers.
Ever make one of those charts? The pro and con kind?
I have, many times. When a decision seemed too difficult, when I couldn't get a true gut reading, I would chart it all out in an attempt to find some sort of clarity. Most often, I will have the chart there in front of me, and still see no answer to the questions I'm asking myself. I just let it lie for a bit, hoping everything will coalesce and I will find the best answer for me. It still takes me a while though to trust my decision, and if I can, I will then rely on my gut feeling before I go ahead.
Filled with a whirlpool of emotion and desperately seeking to find some still water.
I've been drinking more than I ever have in my life. Why? 'Cause I don't want to feel. Damn, damn, damn, I want S back!
So many times, I will wonder why the phone isn't ringing, thinking, "He always calls at this time, what's he doing, where is he?" And, then, I remember, HE'S DEAD! He can't call me! I cry. I curse his murderer, I want to curse the woman he loved, but I can't, she doesn't deserve that. She's broken now too. But I can't say the thought hasn't entered my mind, it does. But, then I remember how ALIVE he felt, how much he loved her, how completely HAPPY he was. Then I have to thank her, for giving him that gift.
I don't know what to believe in. I was sent a song the other day. I listened to it, and listened to it, and listened to it. Over and over and over again. After the tears stopped flowing, my damn insecurities got kick started, and I thought, "Why was this sent, what was the intended message? What message am I supposed to take away from this? Am I to take the lyrics literally or figuratively? What am I supposed to do with this information, anything? Is it how he feels about me now, or before? Or what he wishes and dreams for with anyone he may love? I don't fucking know!"
Then I receive a phone call. "I miss you, I miss you so much. Please come over when I get back in town, come over so I can hold you, I need to hold you for hours. Then I know everything will be alright."
WHAT, what, what, what, what do I want? Afraid of the answers, so I run.
For the first time in years, so many years! I have allowed my imagination full reign, allowed myself to imagine future possibilities, a multitude of futures, a whole lotta possibilities. At first it's kinda nice, kinda OK, but then as I begin to lose myself in those possibilities, I tear up, and, immediately shut them down. Fast!
Telling myself, it's up to me what I do with my life, it is up to me what dreams I live, and those I don't. It's all up to me. But what the fuck do I know? I don't have a fucking clue, so I tell myself to give it time, wait. Wait for what?
My list, I reviewed the most recent one. The thing is, it was pretty even, the pro side and the con side. No help there. So, once again, I told myself...time...give it time. But damn it, time seems like it's in such short supply some days. We don't know how much time we have.
No clues, no insights, no answers. A whole bunch of questions though.
Looking for the truth of who I am and hoping I can live with that truth.