Monday, November 24, 2008

Seeking Small Pleasures

A good day...

The day I took this photo was a good day. I spent a weekend morning working in a county far to the south of me, and the afternoon exploring. In my explorations I came across this wonderful old abandoned house and did not fight the compunction to explore it. Unfortunately I didn't have the courage to stay long, as I ventured up the stairs to further satisfy my curiosity, the wind began blowing the front door open and closed. I got a little spooked, and decided I had spent enough time there, at least alone. I do know, I will go back again someday. 'Tis a must.

One small pleasure I opened myself up to.






















Today, was a bad day...
I asked myself why.
Was it because I only had four hours sleep last night?
Was it because not-soon-enough-to-be-ex-husband is playing games again?
Was it because I am still grieving?
Was it because I was On Top of the World only one week ago, so I kinda had to bottom out a bit?


One week ago...
I was happy, ecstatically dancing through the day and into the evening...I had passed my certification exam which had me patting myself on the back, and releasing the imaginary breath I had been holding since the day I took the exam almost a month ago. Plus, on Monday evening I did something I haven't done for several years, I gave a presentation to an audience to about seventeen of my elders, and had a blast doing it. I had forgotten how much fun I have giving presentations (fun when it is a subject I know well, which it was).


Just days later...
I plummeted far far down, I was on edge, barely able to maintain my composure.

So much going on...
and not going on...

It ain't over. The mediator has not yet filed her summary of the settlement, so dear not-soon-enough-to-be ex's attorney decided to create his own. As I quickly scanned the sixteen page document, I was pleasantly surprised, all appeared to be on the up and up, exactly as had been discussed. But, as I reread it, phrases began to pop out at me, small changes that can make a big difference in how it all plays out. Why? Was the intent to make me feel small? At first it worked, I did, I hated the fact that I felt manipulated again.

I'm still grieving over the loss of two people who once filled my life, my heart with such joy. Two people who I thought would be forever a part of my life. Gone now, in different ways, but still gone. Trying desperately to adjust to their absence.

I search to find the acceptance that all in life must change.

I make lists of all that I am grateful for in my life. I grasp each item or name on the list tightly, hugging them close. Seeking to accept them for what they are, small pleasures, treasures in my life.

Life goes on...each day...I breathe...I try to grow a tiny bit...I seek out beauty. I tell myself not many months ago I was getting through my days by breathing through just one minute, then just one hour, then I finally arrived to the point when I was breathing my way through a few hours.

Today I rarely have to tell myself to "Breathe, just breathe, you will survive this."

Today, I KNOW I will survive. Maybe not whole, but I will survive.

I breathe, I open up and search out that for which I am grateful. I search for beauty, for simplicity, for small pleasures and most importantly...for those I treasure.

I breathe freely...well...almost.

4 comments:

Parker said...

your writing has always lifted My spirit in a way non other ever could...thank you precious one...your rainbow is there, it is just a matter of time before you see it's brilliance...love you sweetness, always here for you

Love, Evolution, and Resilience said...

How I wish I could be close enough to you to reach out and touch your arm, tell you how wonderful you are and thank you for helping me to remember my passion. I would also hug you, 'til you could feel my heart beat. Love you...

deb said...

Sending a hug sweetie. You have survived. You will thrive.

M@ said...

I know the feeling that when you're so depressed it's not just unsatisfactory, or not fun, but actually painful to exist minute by minute. Anything to dull that....