Thursday, March 05, 2009

Cluttered


Writing out my thoughts, fears, wishes, dreams, writing about the happenings in my life...all of that used to seem to just flow from brain to fingertips to keyboard. I seem unable to write a coherent thought anymore. Tonight is no exception. I feel the need to organize and understand my thought processes. Maybe, life would seem clearer, and I better able to focus on the daily tasks of life, if I could rid my mind of some of its clutter.

There are days in which I feel like two different people. There is the me who knows time is my friend. The me that knows that waiting to make any life altering decisions is very important.

There is another me though, a me that feels I must make a few of these major decisions rapidly, assertively, decisively.

Recently I was part of of a group in which we were asked to describe the current way we're living our lives using DVD movie terms.

"On fast forward?" "On pause?" "On replay?" "Wrong movie all together?"


My first instinct was to say, "On fast forward." But, as I thought more about it, I decided my life is "On pause".


I've spent well over a year waiting.
Waiting for my divorce to be final.
Waiting to find out what my financial situation would be once I was divorced.
Waiting on me, waiting on my kids, waiting on I know not what...just waiting.
Months and months living in pause mode.

I most definitely don't want my life to be on fast forward, nor replay.
There have been moments when I've wondered if I'm living in the wrong video altogether.
Others when I've wondered if my life is a foreign film without subtitles. Yep, the foreign film analogy kinda works... life can be very felliniesque at times, dreams attempting/needing to fuse with reality.

I suppose pause is not all bad.
I know I need this time to fully assimilate everything that has happened over the last 3 years.


I feel a quiet within now though, that I didn't have just a few short months ago, no more of that chafing at the bit feeling. I have many options in front of me. I have lots and lots of decisions to make regarding the dreams I wish to explore. But, I also know I can wait. I'm developing some patience as I attempt to view possibilities. Which is a big step right there, in the past I was often unable to truly dream, if I couldn't envision that possibilities dreamed might become a part of my future reality I would let them go. I'm at a point now in which I can dream, and let them be what they are... dreams. I don't need to know if a dream has a possibility of coming to fruition.

There are times in life when the old cliche is true. "What will be, will be."
I may think I am somewhat in control of my future right now, but, I also know there will be many surprises, twists and turns along the way. I'm Ok with that, (this week anyway).

Some questions continue niggling away at me though...maybe they will continue to until I prove myself to myself.

Will I ever really feel completely free?
Will I ever stop holding myself back?
Will I ever stop questioning why someone would love me?
Will I ever trust the love of another again?

Once again, I tell myself, the answer is time.
I tell myself,"Give it time woman! "


5 comments:

plan0 said...

Don't pause too long...

deb said...

Take all the time you need. I'm doing the same thing, learning to just wait and see.

SixDegrees said...

How about just "play"?

Let your life go forward, one step at a time. Trust yourself. You've got nothing to prove to anyone, least of all yourself.

Phil said...

You're absolutely right. Life is what it is, but it also is what you make it. If your life is on pause there's a reason for that that is meeting some need you currently have. You'll start a new movie when you're ready. It might be action, drama, romance, or comedy. The choice is yours.

Love, Evolution, and Resilience said...

God, you are brilliant! Thank you for the reminders... I truly needed them today.