Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Stuff and More Stuff

With the changes in my life, and spring SPRINGING all around me too, there's so much traversing through my mind I can't seem to stick with any task for long.

My home has been torn apart for the past 10 days, with STUFF stacked everywhere because I've been painting in preparation for picking up my furniture from the Ex this Saturday. Add in the advent of spring, and my imagination keeps turning to planting the vegetable garden, and flower beds, I want oodles and oodles of flowers growing this summer. With my client load increasing, and my boss taking family leave time for six weeks, work is going full bore too! Add in the introspective emotional me and I've begun to feel as if I can't move or think fast enough.

Even with my mind so busy toing and froing I've allowed myself to wonder, to contemplate, just a tiny bit, the question of whether I'm finally beginning to achieve some emotional healing.

I haven't been dwelling on all my fears of old for several weeks now (another question of course is...how long does one not dwell before the dwelling stops for good?). Whenever one of those icky fears raises it's ugly head, I push it away, and tell myself to "let it go, just let it go." Which seems to be working. Or, maybe, I'm becoming a tad more accepting of my own faults and foibles.

The work on the house has been keeping me uber busy, which really helps at keeping my focus on the here and now. Painting the interior of my house has been a whole lot more work than I planned (who knew the living room would require four coats of paint!?). My mind is full as I contemplate the addition of items from my old home, and the purchase of a new sofa and chair. And, do I want one of the new flat screen Televisions? Maybe, but then I ask myself why, as we only receive one channel at the moment, but it would make DVD watching a whole lot more enjoyable.

Interiors (mine and my home's) are not the only things flickering across my synapses, I'm also allowing my mind to wander/wonder over the grounds surrounding me, (except for mowing...I'm really really trying to NOT think about mowing!), I've dreamed a whole lotta grand plans for my gardens, both flower and vegetable. I'm also trying to work on the exterior of me, and a whole lotta work needs done there! With all of these plans and dreams, I'm trying to keep my expectations reasonable though. When it comes to gardening I over done it in the past, and then I can't keep up with it all...kinda like that thing your mother always told you when you piled too much food on your plate as a child, "Your eyes are bigger than your stomach", I'm like that when it comes to vegetable gardens and flower beds. Plus, I gotta keep in mind my budget limitations as well, but, the dreaming is sooo much fun.

Then there's my children. Both have once again announced moving out plans. So emotionally I'm preparing myself for 'empty nest syndrome'. Although, to be honest, I'll believe it when I see it. But, I know myself well enough to know I must prepare for that eventuality. Motherhood has been such a focus of my life for so many years if I don't prepare myself, I could find myself all ajumble with the loss of them in my daily life. (On the child note, Miss Chels finally got her first real job working for someone other than her father! She's excited, and so am I, especially since we lost her child support when she dropped two of her classes.)

Added into everything else are niggling thoughts about my next birthday. Years ago, I promised myself I would not be spending my 50th in this country. The one fear I'm allowing to take root I suppose is the fear that I will break that promise to myself. I'm already rationalizing, thinking, OK... if I can't afford a trip overseas, maybe I can at least do some border jumping, and explore the lands to the north of me (my birthday's during the dog days of summer... North would be bit cooler).

Feeling so Attention Deficit at the moment, because, while I'm sorta making plans, I'm not making plans. Not big ones anyway. I need to live this day, this week, this month, this season, and the next. Then when I get to the end of summer, and, if I feel good about my accomplishments, then, perhaps I will have at least a smidge more of an inkling of the direction I wish to follow after that.

It's kind of funny, I've spent so many years looking inward, anguishing over my inner turmoils, so filled with self denigration and self-loathing, that I feel I missed much of what was right before my eyes. Missed growing in some ways. I don't think I can ever go for long without looking within for my answers, but for now, I've put the inner-magnifying glass away. I need some time to just accept me. IamwhoIam, and that's got to be enough for now.

A few other thoughts tumbling across my mind...

My ex stopped by the office the other day...funny thing...all the years we were married...he never visited me at any of my places of employment...since the divorce he's been in my office twice. During this most recent visit, I realized, really really realized...I did the right thing...and should have done it years ago...the ties are no longer just threadbare and frazzled...they're broken...he has no more control over me. Not even that which I myself imposed to make life easier when I shared a life with him. A very freeing breath was inhaled and exhaled by me with that thought.

I'm also trying to stop having the expectation that other's will at least try to be as sensitive to my feelings as I try to be to theirs. I've come to realize...some people just ain't capable of it, when it happens often enough...I shut down and shut them out, I need to be more accepting of them as they are, after all, that's what I want.

All this mishmash filling my brain has me forgetting so much, my memories don't seem to be stored in an accessible way. There're just too many MOMENTS of my life that I need to hold onto. Especially during those times when I feeling low down. My work with my dementia clients and their families are a good reminder that I still need to write my life. I've forgotten so much over the years. A few comments from my children of late have really proved to me how much I've forgotten. So, one way or another, I've got to find the time to keep documenting the things I feel are important, the little things, the little moments that thrill me, the little pieces of life that I don't want to just "let go".

My emotions have been fluctuating wildly for so long, I'm not really sure what it feels like to be the 'normal' me anymore, but I'm trying, and at the moment that's all I can ask of myself.

One moment at at time...eh...one paint stroke at at time...ick...I am sooooo tired of painting!


plan0 said...

Have I taught you nothing about the zen of painting? It allows you to focus so much on anything else but painting.

SixDegrees said...

It is inspiring to hear how you are busy building your own life.

Keep your 50th birthday promise! By the time summer comes, you will see the results of your current efforts and a reward will be in order.

Jonas said...

I'm smiling. It is spring and you are blossoming!

Most excellent!

Anonymous said...

You sound good, hopeful.