Thursday, April 16, 2009

LIfe is Messy, but I'll Live.

I've had a lot of little stressful things happen of late that would be so easy to turn into small catastrophes.

Going back to my old house to get some of my things was not a good day, it was an experience I sincerely hope is never repeated. It was a good reminder though, of exactly why I left my marriage. A needed reminder.

I've also found out I have to orthopedic surgery on my left elbow, there's a growth, (I'm thinking positively and have decided it's just calcium deposit caused by an injury) between the ulnar and the medial epicondyle (if I'm remembering correctly), and also a fluid filled sac above the lateral epicondyle which also has some white bits floating about in it. Rather painful, and prone to swelling whenever I use my arm, which is often since I'm still painting the house. Anyway, my best option seems to be an incision along the side of my elbow so the doctor can remove both of the icky bits at the same time. Followed by some rather intense physical therapy to keep the joint from freezing. Sounds a bit unpleasant to me, but something I gotta do if I want full extension of my arm, which I do.

There's lots more little things at work, and extended family stuff that I've been allowing to keep me feeling stressed too. I seem to let it all build up until I find myself mired in misery, dealing with some very negative feelings

But, if I remember to take a deep cleansing breath, or two, or ten, and then remind myself that I'm in control of how I feel. And, to tell myself, the bad feelings just aren't worth holding onto. Then, I let them go. I'm definitely a self-talker. Once I acknowledge what I'm doing to myself, then I may even begin chanting, "Let it go, just let it go. Let It Go." It works, this way of telling myself, to just get busy, and fix the problem. My way of showing myself, I'm strong, I can handle whatever it is, I can do it, I will survive and go on to face another challenge be it big or small. It's all really so much more complicated, and has taken such a long time to arrive at this place, than these simple words can impart. But, I'm really proud of myself for finally achieving the ability to do so.

It hasn't been, and isn't, easy to remember to let it all go at first. Being able to recognize the feelings has been a big step. Determining, and then, accepting the reason behind the feelings, has been an even bigger step. It may take me several hours at times. Hours when when I let frustration, fear, sadness, hurt feelings, or even anger build and build until I'm lost in all the negativity. I may end up growling in frustration, or, letting a few tears flow, or ask myself, "Why me, why now?", whilst bemoaning my fate. I may even reach a point when I begin telling myself, "I can't do this, I can't." But, eventually I get to the reason part, and the understanding part, and's all good, even the bluest of blue feelings will depart. And, then, I know I'm gonna be OK.

It all boils down to something so simple.

Reminding myself of what's important, and what's not.

When I do that.

I'm happy.

God! That is so amazing to be able to say. Life is still messy, it's always gonna be. That's life. But, I'm feelin' pretty freakin' happy in my messy life!

Spring's arrival has helped...bunches...but...the optimistic side of me isn't gonna give the season all the's me and my ability to let the negativity fly away, finally knowing I can handle it, that's a big part of it too.


Jonas said...

It's good to know you're feelin' pretty freakin' happy!

Anonymous said...

You are so wonderful woman! Taking some of that energy for myself! Thanks for sharing. Huge love!

Anonymous said...

Life will always be messy, you're right. Take care sweetie.

plan0 said...

Stay happy babe, stay happy. When isn't life messy? Who would want to live in the Truman Show?

Sally-Sal said...

There is nothing in this life that you can't handle. You are such a strong, beautiful woman! I admire you very much.

Much love,

Maddy said...

Being optimistic is jolly hard work for me too, especially at the moment [more dental woes]

Hoping that the weekend brings you some respite.
Best wishes

X. Dell said...

Well, life is often messy. Sorry I haven't been around, lately, but have been struggling to stay afloat. I see now that you've had your freedom for about four months now. I have a feeling that life might feel messy, or "on pause" for you for some time.

As a witness to this process, I sense a tremendous sense of grief, as if the marriage itself were a loved one who's passed away. At the same time, I sense that you, or at least part of you, is in wonderous awe in facing the prospect of reclaiming a part of your own identity.

I reckon you'll get used to it, eventually. Besides, isn't there some comfort in a bit of messiness?

Jonas said...

You haven't posted in a while, Sunny. Just wonderin' if you had your surgery yet? If so, I hope all went well and that you're on your way to a full recovery. Here's hoping that you're still feeling pretty freakin' happy!!!

Anonymous said...

Miss you.