But, I haven't taken the time.
I 'm quite content (most of the time) with my life right now. Even though, there is nothing of major import going on, just life.
My life...I work, I like my work, many days, I love my work. I feel useful, productive, needed. I have affection for even the most difficult of my clients, and am quite pleased I'm able to offer them something that makes their live's better.
I like my home now. It's not a pretty or fancy one, it's a 30 year old mobile home, but, its mine. Plus, I love the land, the location, the scenery, the place itself. I'm showering the house and land with my affection, my time, it's my hobby, my pastime, my home. It's changing almost daily, and it felt really wonderful when Alex told me, our house "feels like home now." My free hours are usually spent working in one of the flower beds I put in this spring, or checking out the new growth in the vegetable garden, chatting with one of the kids (sometimes bitching/venting at them, I am their mother afterall).
For a while this spring, I kept looking at my life, and asking myself, "What's so different about my life now? How am I holding onto this wonderful sense of contentment ?"
It's not what I do, or how I do it. It's me deciding to accept and live each day the best I can. It's being loved, and loving. It's realizing when things really seem out of whack...it's the hormonal highs and lows of menopause. It's taking a deep breath and letting go.
So, nope nothing really special going on in my life. I just living it the best I can...today...with thoughts of tomorrow thrown in on occasion.
Thoughts regarding tomorrow...
A few days ago, I was discussing how working with the aged and disabled has changed my viewpoint toward life, living, death and dying. Words cane out of my mouth, words thatare hard for me to believe came out of me. But, I said them, and they felt/feel true. "Not long ago I was afraid of dying, didn't want to contemplate dying/or aging, because there 's so much I've always wanted to do, see, learn. But, I don't think I feel that way anymore. It's really weird. Since my divorce, I've come to realize I have the freedom to do whatever I want, maybe not the finances, but I do have that freedom. The thing is, it doesn't scare me anymore that I may not get to live my long ago dreams. I may not do all the things I've always wished, but it's my choice, my life, and someday, anyday, it will be my death. I'm OK with the thought that a lot of my dreams won't be realized. For the very reason it's my choice."