Friday, June 05, 2009

Random Bits of Me...

There've been many thoughts and emotions /pulsing gently through me of late, a stray thought or feeling that has left me thinking, "I really need to journal this, I need to examine it more deeply."

But, I haven't taken the time.

I 'm quite content (most of the time) with my life right now. Even though, there is nothing of major import going on, just life.

My life...

I work, I like my work, many days, I love my work. I feel useful, productive, needed. I have affection for even the most difficult of my clients, and am quite pleased I'm able to offer them something that makes their live's better.

I like my home now. It's not a pretty or fancy one, it's a 30 year old mobile home, but, its mine. Plus, I love the land, the location, the scenery, the place itself. I'm showering the house and land with my affection, my time, it's my hobby, my pastime, my home. It's changing almost daily, and it felt really wonderful when Alex told me, our house "feels like home now." My free hours are usually spent working in one of the flower beds I put in this spring, or checking out the new growth in the vegetable garden, chatting with one of the kids (sometimes bitching/venting at them, I am their mother afterall).

For a while this spring, I kept looking at my life, and asking myself, "What's so different about my life now? How am I holding onto this wonderful sense of contentment ?"

It's not what I do, or how I do it. It's me deciding to accept and live each day the best I can. It's being loved, and loving. It's realizing when things really seem out of's the hormonal highs and lows of menopause. It's taking a deep breath and letting go.

So, nope nothing really special going on in my life. I just living it the best I thoughts of tomorrow thrown in on occasion.

Thoughts regarding tomorrow...

A few days ago, I was discussing how working with the aged and disabled has changed my viewpoint toward life, living, death and dying. Words cane out of my mouth, words thatare hard for me to believe came out of me. But, I said them, and they felt/feel true. "Not long ago I was afraid of dying, didn't want to contemplate dying/or aging, because there 's so much I've always wanted to do, see, learn. But, I don't think I feel that way anymore. It's really weird. Since my divorce, I've come to realize I have the freedom to do whatever I want, maybe not the finances, but I do have that freedom. The thing is, it doesn't scare me anymore that I may not get to live my long ago dreams. I may not do all the things I've always wished, but it's my choice, my life, and someday, anyday, it will be my death. I'm OK with the thought that a lot of my dreams won't be realized. For the very reason it's my choice."


Anonymous said...

Sunny! I love the new photo of you. I can picture you tending to your garden! Sounds wonderful, sounds like you are where I'm trying to get to. Love the idea of flowers. Glad things are going well!

Anonymous said...

hugs, I am glad to see you are doing ok, should you need anything, I am always here for my MAC, grins and hugs

X. Dell said...

Fascinating. I'm taking your lack of posting as a good sign, then.

BTW, this mobile home--does it still take you a day and a half to mow the lawn? If not, then I'd venture it could be paradise. After all, as Lady Day once said, "God bless the child that's got her own."

Mary said...

"I'm OK with the thought that a lot of my dreams won't be realized. For the very reason it's my choice."

Sometimes the fact the dreams were there in the first place is all that really matters. :)