Still Breathing

Memories assail me, of the me I used to be, or, thought I used to be. My eyes refuse to bleed the necessary tears. I ask, I seek, I have no answers. Every woman finds herself in my place at some point. Do these women I do not know find their answers? I seek, it seems I am always seeking, but, maybe, seeking is not the answer. A line from a movie...."Life changes with each breath we take." Maybe...living each breath is the answer. Why can't I do that?
When I think of love, and the essences of my loves residing within...at my core I can only think..."I love you, you are my light, my sunrise, my sunset, my moonrise, my children. There is no other answer to my question of love, none that brings the same meaning to my life. I will continue to seekwithin, I can't seem to help it. Perhaps...I seek in the wrong place. This moment. This one. Here now. This moment is my answer. Yet, I continue to refuse it, to see it feel it, dance it. Breathe it. Breathe it.

This is my life,

this

is

my

life.

* * * * * * *

I wrote the above a few weeks ago. A week later, I did an assessment on a new client, a man in his late 80's caring for his serenely lovely wife of the same age. She has dementia.

He was more interested in talking about me than of himself. Within moments of our meeting, he began. He didn't ask me questions, instead, he told me, about me.

" I know you, better than you think I do."

I'm sure my eyes widened in surprise at this statement.

"You really love your job, you're good at it too."
"Yes, I do."
"You're doing what God wants you to do."
"Mhmmm."
"You are a very social person, or can be. Very versatile, you can fit into any social situation when you try."
"Mhmmm."
"You've changed a lot in the past two years though. You made a really big decision. It was the right one. It's going to be alright."
"Mhmm (while thinking...Whoa!)"
"It really is...going to be alright. You are going to be Okay."
"We really need to be talking about you, and your needs as a caregiver."
"Look at the palms of your hands. You're right handed, I know, even so, your palms are really different. The left one, that's your life before, the right one...that's your life now."
"You're a very spiritual person, way down deep. You're hiding it."
" We really do need to be talking about you and your wife right now, that's why I'm here today."
"One more thing? Then we can move on."
"OK."
"You will be your happiest when you have a man in your life that has a soul to soul connection with you. There are many different kinds of love. There's love, there's lust and there is in love."

He really got me at this...not to say he hadn't already snagged my attention with the "You've changed a lot in the past two years line, but that line about love really, really grabbed my attention. Because, during my hour long drive to his home, I had been thinking along those very same lines. The love, lust, in-love bit. Wondering where I'm at now in my current relationship, how it all fits together, how two people could be so very different emotionally, politically, and still feel so right."

"Funny you should mention that, I was thinking along those same lines on my way here."
"Just know, it's important for you to have that soul to soul connection."
"I believe it is for everyone, but...now we really do need to talk about you."

I finished my assessment, listened to many Big Fish stories, got to know him and his wife and took my leave.

As I was ready to walk out the door he said to me, "It really is going to be alright. You are going to be OK."

I couldn't help it, my heart seemed to melt, my eyes filled with tears. "I hope you're right."