I think I am depressed.
Why I don't know.
I have accomplished much in recent months.
The long list of tasks I had wanted to accomplish has most items marked off.
So, why, why, do I feel so sad?
I seem to be unwilling to contemplate this malaise I feel.
Is it my job? Eh, mebbe...more often of late the answer is yes.
My love life...not so much, but, I must ask myself, why am I so fearful of committing?
My amazing ability to procrastinate...yep that too.
I don't journal anymore, I find it difficult, I miss writing, yet, rarely do I take the time. The thoughts are there. The will is not.
Partly it is because I spend so very little time online, except for research for work. But even then, I feel so very unfocused, so many things I want to know, so many different subjects to explore, and so very little time to do so.
I did something very out of character for me a few nights ago.
I was in a local pub, listening to the band play. For some reason, I did not want to be there.
I told my companion I was ready to leave. In fact I believe I mentioned this fact several times.
My companion was not ready to leave.
I was, and did.
I felt good doing that. No remorse. No guilt. Unusual for me.
I am 51 years old, aren't I supposed to know what I want by now?
Some days, on some very rare days, I think I do. But mostly. Nah, I don't.
I found a school the other day, one that seemed workable. I could get my MSW, move on to the career I really want. But, the cost...ah...the cost...prohibitive. I fear debt. This debt would be over 45,000.00. I just can't justify that expense to myself.
Another dream, another debt to take on, one I fear.
My house, or lack thereof.
I know what I want to do.
I do. I really do.
But, again, my fear of debt.
I know I can do it for around 80,000.00, but jeez, 80,000.00 at my age. I can do it. I will do it. I will. But, oh golly, it's really hard to know that one major illness could happen to me, and I would lose it all. This beautiful land I live on. My home. My stability, my security. I am a fearful woman. I hate that about myself. But, methinks, I hate the fear more.
So, will I do it? Will I take the steps to make the dreams a reality?
Fuck if I know.