Thursday, September 09, 2010

Free Thought

I think I am depressed.
Why I don't know.
I have accomplished much in recent months.
The long list of tasks I had wanted to accomplish has most items marked off.
So, why, why, do I feel so sad?
I seem to be unwilling to contemplate this malaise I feel.
Is it my job? Eh, mebbe...more often of late the answer is yes.
My love life...not so much, but, I must ask myself, why am I so fearful of committing?
My amazing ability to procrastinate...yep that too.

I don't journal anymore, I find it difficult, I miss writing, yet, rarely do I take the time. The thoughts are there. The will is not.
Partly it is because I spend so very little time online, except for research for work. But even then, I feel so very unfocused, so many things I want to know, so many different subjects to explore, and so very little time to do so.

I did something very out of character for me a few nights ago.
I was in a local pub, listening to the band play. For some reason, I did not want to be there.
I told my companion I was ready to leave. In fact I believe I mentioned this fact several times.
My companion was not ready to leave.
I was, and did.
I felt good doing that. No remorse. No guilt. Unusual for me.

I am 51 years old, aren't I supposed to know what I want by now?
I don't.
Some days, on some very rare days, I think I do. But mostly. Nah, I don't.

I found a school the other day, one that seemed workable. I could get my MSW, move on to the career I really want. But, the cost...ah...the cost...prohibitive. I fear debt. This debt would be over 45,000.00. I just can't justify that expense to myself.

Another dream, another debt to take on, one I fear.
My house, or lack thereof.
I know what I want to do.
I do. I really do.
But, again, my fear of debt.
I know I can do it for around 80,000.00, but jeez, 80,000.00 at my age. I can do it. I will do it. I will. But, oh golly, it's really hard to know that one major illness could happen to me, and I would lose it all. This beautiful land I live on. My home. My stability, my security. I am a fearful woman. I hate that about myself. But, methinks, I hate the fear more.

So, will I do it? Will I take the steps to make the dreams a reality?

Fuck if I know.


Anonymous said...

Warms my heart to read you again Sunny... No matter what it is you are thinking, feeling, living... just makes me feel good knowing you are out there, somewhere doing what we are all doing... just the best we can I guess. Big ass sisterly hugs comin' at cha. D

Deb said...

I've missed your writing. And the fear of debt, of loss of security, I get that. Me too:)

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. Thanks for sharing. May God Bless You Always!

mehtab said...

Nice blog.
take care

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heart rumbles said...

I get it. I do.

Shilon said...

Nice blog. I read Goodnight moon to my little boy too. He loves it