Sunday, September 10, 2006

Moody Midlife Bitchiness

I am feeling like a heel, a selfish bitch, wondering where that loving nurturing mother in me has disapeared to.

I love and adore my children, I truly do, but fuck! there are days when I get so very tired of having to be the on-the-spot-instantly-chauffer (even though that is almost over, which I will then miss....ah the conundrums of life), tired of planning some time for myself and having to give that up, because one of them needs something else, tired of being torn between what I need at the moment and what they need.

My time alone is rare, I have no privacy, someone once said to me, just lock the door to your bedroom and take some time for you....HA! me have a locked door (I always know that I have maybe 30 minutes max before someone will be busting in), not possible, maybe I spent too many years making myself all too accessible, trying to always "be there" for them. And when I do try to not "be there" even if only for a few hours, then I feel this enormous cloud of guilt, it doesn't go away, it follows me where ever I go.

My oh so independent son has decided to move back home, and at first I thought, "wonderful, I will see him more often now, not just after midnight when he decides to stop by to raid the fridge." "We will have time to talk now, time that I will be more willing to give because he won't be walking in on me when I thought I had time to write, or chat, or read 'not safe for others eyes blogs'." But then I started thinking of all the times I try to get some much needed time alone, and how that usually has to be late night and into the wee hours of the morning, and although those are the times he appears now, at least some nights I do get that time. But that is going to change, he is a night owl like me. So no matter the time of day, there will be someone around, someone always wanting something, someone always looking over my shoulder.

I was coming to peace with some of the decisions I have made, accepting that things have to remain as they are for a few more years. But all I feel is this incredible tension, I can feel the knots in my shoulders tighten even more as I write this.

So much going on, an illness in the family......accomodating those changes to our current lifestyle, other family members dealing with such intense agonies, not being able to help, not knowing how to help, trying to be there to help other's deal with them, but not doing it, not having the time. Trying so hard not to say, "What about me?" "When is it my turn?" "Why am I so selfish?"

Little worries, that are held in, kept in check, going on day by day hoping I can hold it all together.

My third thought when my son told me he was moving home....was "Wouldn't I love to move into his place (it is really our place anyway), or just use it as an occasional place to get away, have some time for me, to just be." Knowing at the same time that I would miss them, that it wouldn't be that great thing I think it would be.

Thinking about age creeping up on me, thinking about all the things I want to do and haven't done, thinking I will never have that opportunity, thinking why the fuck am I not content with what I have, thinking why the fuck is it so difficult for me to just say I need to go away for awhile, thinking thinking thinking thinking that each step I take into tomorrow is a stumble in the wrong direction. Thinking that the merry go round I am riding on is going to fast, spinning out of control, thinking I keep digging my heels in trying to slow it down, but all I am doing is making myself dizzy.

Longing for something that does not exist, longing for something that I have no idea what it is. Longing to experience the world outside my own isolated, insulated world. Longing to be happy with me. Longing for someone to just hold me, and tell me that in this moment everything is okay. Longing for someone to just accept me, not judge how I am feeling, not judge what I do, or don't do. Longing for just a few moments when I am not constantly on edge because I have to hide so much of me.

Of all the things my wild mind fantasizes about, my most precious fantasy is my ultimate road trip. Waking up one day and realizing, that the people I love can do without me, they may not like it, but that if I took off, they would understand, they would still love me, they would not feel as if I abandoned them.

I fantasize of packing a bag, emptying my bank account, and just driving from place to place, exploring our world, the other people in it, staying in one spot for awhile, and then moving on. I know this is a fantasy that others share, but this one, is one that has been with me since I was 17 years old. I had it planned, that year off from school, two other friends and I, but then I let what I thought was true love stop me, I let the need to grasp onto something stable after losing the only stable person in my life that year affect my decision. I didn't do it then. Wondering, would my life be different now if I had gotten that out of my system then? Wondering, maybe I had to wait, maybe everything I have done, experienced and not experienced over the years, has been to bring me to the place where I am now. To the place I will be in a few years, but also wondering, what if it is too late? What if it never happens?

Reminding myself once again, that I have to live in my now, that I can dream of a future with a myriad of choices open to me, as long as I remember to live now too.

But damn sometimes I just don't fucking want to!


Fiona said...

The damn grass always looks so green OVER THERE doesn't it!!!

I take solace in my moody midlife knowing that someone else is looking over here at my grass and thinking it's a bright vibrant green when all I see around me is dry brown crispy dead stuff.

Oh hon...I don't know, I wish I had answers but I don't. I know I'm probably one of the 'lucky' ones with nothing hanging on my ankles dragging me back, nothing demanding time or energy from me...but still I don't do what you want to, even though I have had my moments of madness.

Like last year deciding I was going to quit work and go to the States and study psychology for four years. I came to my senses - OK blow your savings, give up your career, work at something that may or may not open a work door to you after the age of 50, become a VERY mature student *L* passed!! I still have the books though.

Road trip....I wanna go!!! I've always wanted to do a road trip across the States, what can I say that country fascinates me and I want to go into all the little towns and see real cowboys and little churches and diners where Candy with big hair calls me darlin and general stores where they sell absolutely everything and and and and *L*

You drive and I'll stump up for the gas :)

Sunny Delight said...

Fi--keep the summer of 2008 wide open, and we are off! Even if I have to invent Candy, which is doubtful--I think I know her *L*

As to the cowboys, I am sure there are few real ones left somewhere, maybe in Wyoming or Montana....We can do all of North America...can't forget my Canadian cousins, all the sexy men seem to be up there!

Then the world! Two women reveling in their era of MMB!

Maybe it ain't greener, but it is different, and sometimes different is needed. Even though I may feel dissatisfied with my life, I also know I have much, so much, to be grateful for. Sometimes it is just hard to remember, or want it.

Fiona said...

LOL I tell you what Sunny, let's do a one-month life swap...OMG that would be a blast!!!!

Summer 2008 is officially booked...and damn Montana has always held a bit of a lure for me....twas Jim in Montana I spoke with online for a too-short while...he said he was a cowboy and was going to take me riding - ummm I think he meant horseback??!!

Definitely Canada, my one visit there was all too short (a single weekend) and all too bittersweet.

MMBx2 oh yesssssssssssssssss....
look out world

Phil said...

As always your poignant writing breaks my heart because it reminds me of myself.