Thursday, February 01, 2007

A Heart Full of Tears Unshed

Once a special day, a special night, of secret smiles, excited giggles, a celebratory dinner, laughter, songs, memories shared, frosting roses, chocolate crumbs, the scent of melting candle wax, gifts, photographs, hearts cherishing.

It was palpable, seen through, a crystal bell tower had descended, no reaching through, no walking around, no escape. A shadow hovering over it all.

It was there this night, this night that is usually one of celebration.

A shadow full of tears hovered, seen yet unseen. All aware. All aware this time.

Subdued, quiet conversation, faces smiling, eyes hiding thoughts so grave, so unmistakable even the wait staff noticed. One missing, an empty chair, the other hidden, hiding behind the glass, seen but unseen, trying so hard to hide the heart tears rising. The shadow hovering.

This time I wasn't alone, all saw it, all felt it, words unsaid, thoughts pushed away. We fought it, tried to ignore it, more heart tears welled. The shadow hovering.

Forced jocularity , the shadow of estrangement sitting there beside me in the empty chair, a heart forlorn, hearts forlorn, we breathed it in, afraid to exhale.

Moments when we tried, thought it might disapear, fade, seep away, but the shadow hung there still.

Desperate smiles, all separate, an empty chair. A moment when the heart tears rose so high, I felt as if the damn would break, I had to leave, try to breathe, start anew, force it back, force it away, but the shadow split, followed me, stayed.

My heart welling with tears unable to be shed.

Separate, but together, with one not there.

One moment, one moment when it almost was as before, but one was missing, and one was no longer there.

My body shaking, the heart tears filling and filling, but refusing to be shed.

I want to cry, I need to cry, why will my heart not let them go?

In all but words, the ending is here.

Why can't I cry?


Fiona said...

Because you're not ready to cry yet. Because you are beyond being able to cry right now.

Crying doesn't accompany deep, deep hurt. That kind of hurt makes us numb. Too numb to even weep.

The crying comes afterwards, when we CAN actually feel again.

And that deep, deep hurt is beyond the kind of pain that offers up relief through tears.

You will cry. You will. And until then, and then, and after then, I'm here for you sweet woman.

Big tight not-gonna-let-you-go-until-you-want-to-be-let-go hugs.

Sunny Delight said...

Fi, I love you.

Fiona said...

And I, love you!!!

Phil said...

Very poignant writing, but an even more poignant situation. Lean on friends in times like these.