My daughter in her brilliance!
Watching me this morning as I posted a few comments on other's blogs.
"I want to spend time, taking photographs of people sitting in front of their computers. The emotions that play across their faces, so very internalized, yet ever changing. They would be amazing photos." (I think she is right, they would be)
This comment then made a disconnected transition to.......
"Mom, how is your money situation?"
"Why?" (thinking, what? She wants to go shopping again? I just took her last weekend!)
"Well.........I was wondering when we're going to move."
I faltered, not expecting that question! In addition, I always wonder, how much do I say, how much do I not say?
"Tell me more, what are you thinking?'
"I know that this is all going to be really hard, really difficult for all of us. But, Mom, it's really worse now. We are a house divided, and isn't it better to just really do the dividing, get it over with?" (as an aside, I have been thinking this for days, with that very same phrase reverberating in my mind.....a house divided, no longer a home, is it not best to just make the final cut? Is this mother-daughter psychic connection? Or just someone who knows me, really knows her mother?)
I pondered the best way to express my thoughts to her, I told her what my instincts are screaming at me to do. I again tried to reiterate how difficult it all could become, how devastatingly sad.
"But, Mom. It already is."
"You're right, it is."
The conversation moved on, speaking of logistics, of how her life will change. How split she may feel.
She has such a healthy take on these things, she has thought all that through too. She thinks she can handle it.
I then mentioned to her, that she has been playing up this division in our home between her father and I, I told her of my fear of it only becoming worse.
This comment shocked her at first, (we parents are supposed to be blind to their teen-age manipulations), she tried to deny, I said nothing, she then accepted that there might be a small possibility of this happening, but that she would try not to let it happen again.
We then spoke of my fear of them learning not to take risks, because of my fears all of these years. She agreed with me, they need to see me, really see me trying to live life in the way I have always dreamed I could. She doesn't think it is too late for them to learn from me. (sighing, wondering, pondering, why did I wait so long? It has been so harmful to them to live watching their parents so unhappy.)
Then as she began to understand, where I am in my thinking at the moment, she brightened, she smiled so hugely, her beautiful room brightening smile, and said something that completely and totally amazed me, something you do not hear from children (no matter their age) when parents divorce.
"I am looking forward to the day, Mom, when you feel really good about yourself, and start dating. I think that will be so exciting!"
Laughing, "That is the least of my worries at the moment, I just want to live, live feeling like I am finally living free."
"Yeah, but it will be so great, just you wait and see!"
Where did this child come from?