Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Streams of Consciousness

I have often noticed there are days in my life that seem to follow a pattern. Whether at work or home, there seems to be a theme defining them.

At one point I asked myself if it was just my being more aware of a certain subject, so I then noticed the abundance of it in my life on any given day. But, when I started my current position at the agency, the patterns became more evident. There is such a wide variety of problems people call me about, that these thoughts at first, seemed absurd to me. But there are days, when I will deal with very similar problems over and over again. There are some factors that influence these seemingly confluent streams of consciousness on certain days, but, there are also many days when these extenuating factors do not seem to play a role. I have even studied my documentation on the clients to prove my theory, and it does happen. I am not sure what it all means, but it is quite interesting to me.

Theme one of my day. A melancholy day, I know the reasons for the depth of my own moodiness, yet even in that knowing, I could not shake it off. A day filled with sad, worn out people. Whether clients, callers, friends or family, all were slightly off kilter today. The very atmosphere itself? I don't know, but the behavioral patterns were very palpable to me.

Another Stream of Consciousness. Tomorrow I have a meeting with my attorney, to discuss the initial divorce hearing required in my state. I have many questions spilling through my brain. I spent some of my lunch hour in research, in an attempt to find the answers to those questions. To help me focus on the questions I will have for my attorney.

After work, I had to stop by a friend's house to pick up Miss Daughter. My friend is just finishing up her 11 month ordeal, she is in the final stage of severing a 25 year marriage. The first words out of her mouth were, "I have some books for you, I am done with them, each in their own way will help you get through all this."

She had three she wished to give me, but one she could not find. That one being the most important she wanted to give me. A book, she believes, will help me over the emotional upheavals that will soon fill my life, and also (she thinks) help me in planning a future that is for ME. (the stress on the ME is hers).

The two books she did give me were;
Divorce for Dummies (at this one I smiled, she is a college professor), and The Divorce Organizer Planner.

I have not opened them yet. I don't know when I will. I am currently weighing my need to experience some physical activity, or skim through the books.

At this point, I fear I am more ready for Divorce for Dummies, than a Divorce Organizer Planner. My mind is numb, I do feel dumb in this process.

I heard her voice the very words, my research today kept warning one NOT to THINK, NOT to DO. Those words, "I just want it over with, I am tired of all the arguing back and forth over assets and who deserves what, who should get what, who should have what, who owes who more. I just want IT OVER WITH, and I am willing to compromise my half to do so."

Another friend, has reiterated to me over and over the following words..."in the final outcome, divorce is like a business deal, one in which there is hopefully an equitable and fair division of the marital assets."

But that friend too, finally got to the point in which he has said, "I JUST WANT IT OVER WITH!"

In 27 years we have accumulated much, I know it will take many many months of anguish, tears, and possibly my having to listen to some very bitter and hurtful words, before all is said and done. And, I wonder, how many times will I think the words, "I just want it over with."?

1 comment:

Fiona said...

Behind the arguing, the refusing to come to an agreement, probably lies anger and control. And an inability to just finally let go and be a decent human being about it.

I'd hate to think you will get to the point where you want to 'just get it over with', but if only one person wants to move on (and that's why they're leaving in the first place), the one that doesn't probably gets some macabre delight in prolonging the proceedings.

People unable to deal with emotions based in anger and hurt, can be very unreasonable.

Big hugs.