Saturday, July 07, 2007

Dithering and Wishing

Another Saturday, in which I slept way too late, I have been battling a seemingly never ending headache the past 3 days. Ibuprofen hasn't helped, a few glasses of wine didn't help, just made it worse! I never have headaches, so I wonder, is it stress, worry over my kids, no sex? All I know is I don't like it one bit!

I have dithered away my day so far, one long phone conversation with a friend talking about all things divorce, and how very much it effects every single part of lives...especially our health, and mental outlook. It has only begun for me, and I am already tiring of the entire process. Over and over, I hear from others of how they just wish it would all end, so that they will feel as if they can get their lives started again.

And here I sit, only a couple months into it, and I am wishing, hoping, wanting the same thing...for it all to just end, be over with...

Sigh...that's not gonna happen though.

A day in which I need to mow...just don't is a 7 hour job...on a good day. I have let some of the grass grow, mostly around the area I reserve for family/friend campsites. It looks really pretty now, the campsite is an area filled with trees, and I have only cut the grass in the area set aside for tents and the campfire, so as the grass continues to grow, it is more and more secluded. Plus, I have the hope that as that area becomes more naturalized the deer will eventually come in closer to the house, now they just stay to the back end of the property near the far tree line.

So much I want to do to this place...painting, replacing 'almost' non-working water faucets, dragging away all the "stuff" that only clutters up life...yet...I do not know how long I will be living here. So, do I accomplish the tasks I want to? Or, wait until I find out if I will be here for the long-term?

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Several people recently have told me I seem more tense than usual, that I can't seem to let go, and be myself.

I want to, I wish I could.

But every time I turn around, there seems to be one more thing to worry about. None of which I can do a thing about, but let time pass, and hope.

And, even though the tension, the worry is there, I really just want to let loose and have some fun...

I want to dance, hike, visit a museum, play in the rain, laugh, enjoy some really great conversation, food and wine with friends, take a road trip with the top off the jeep, explore!

Mostly wishing for a hug...I haven't experienced a warm loving, cherishing hug from a man in several years...the last hug from my husband was a tearful goodbye hug...and before that...well, we had lost even that intimacy.

I ache for a be wrapped in the arms of someone I love, someone I cherish, to feel his hands warming my skin, or his fingers combing through my hair, his lips on my aching temples. Just a hug, a simple hug that would allow me to melt into him, to feel him melt into me.

Sigh...that's not gonna happen either.

An Interesting Little Piece of Advice Regarding Hugs, from a Relationship Article:

A 20 Second Hug Everyday – Research indicates that receiving hugs significantly increases the supply of oxygen to all the organs in our bodies. A hug causes our body to release endorphins. A hug can be a refuge, a sanctuary, a safe haven to go to when you need to know that you are cared about. There will be times in your relationship when your mate is crabby, argumentative and unreasonable. At times like this, the last thing you’ll want to do is hug him. But, that’s the time when your mate needs a hug the most. There is nothing like a warm embrace to calm and soothe a cranky person. It takes at least 5 seconds to block out all the outside distractions and another 15 seconds to exchange that loving energy with one another. When hugging, it is important to remember that not only are you giving, you are receiving. Just as with the 10-second kiss, you and your mate begin to breathe in unison and become one. When giving a hug, focus on sending love from your heart. When receiving a hug, focus on taking love in through your heart. If you take the time to feel both the giving and receiving, your hug will nurture you, your mate and your relationship.


X. Dell said...

(1) You don't have to sell me on hugs, since I don't hardly get them. A friend hugged me last year and I'm still feeling it.

I'd send you a syberhug, but I know those don't help.

(2) What dithering? You got out a post, already.

(3) You have that much grass that it takes seven hours to mow? Hmm. Perhaps a riding mower is out of the question. But if your time is at a premium--especially weekends when you're down physically and spiritually--maybe you can coax a neighbor kid to do it for fifty dollars.

(4) I'm wondering if there is some kind of allergen in your place. I get allergy headaches all the time, and ibuprofen doesn't help. Cold and allergy medicines, on the other hand, knock it right out.

(5) I wish there were something I could do or say that might make the weekend a little brighter for you. Then again, maybe you need to, um, dither for awhile.

deb said...

I love hugs as well but don't get many. My husband is of the opinion that the only time you touch your wife is when you are about to have sex.

My kids hug me but it's not the same. I just want someone to hold me, someone to lean into.

Still up for Chicago? I can give you a hug in person. I'm not a man and I won't have sex with you but I will give you a hug:) Let me know.

LePhare said...

It's the thing I miss the most. A stand up hug.
Stress headaches......I've got the T-shirt. Thankfully, they don't hit that often. Neck massage is the best relief.
Take care Sunny.

Sunny Delight said...,

(1) You my dear man are in need of many hugs it sounds like, and no cyberhugs just don't do it...they may warm the heart, but not the rest of us.

(2) Ummm, I consider this kinda wasting time, cause I didn't want to half of done though! Go me! Ran out of gasoline.

(3) I do have a riding mower, and if I had $50.00 to pay someone, I would be using that for roadtrip desperate need to get away for a bit!

(4) It could be an allergy, never had one before though...and I have nothing in the house but Ib and Excedrin. Time for a trip to the pharmacy I suppose.

(5) ~laughing~ More dithering may be exactly what I need.

Sunny Delight said...


Sounds like my soon-to-be ex.

Yep, get the kid hugs, but those that allow us to lean in, and feel safe, secure and completely loved are the kind I want too.

Chicago....I will have to check email for the date again, and hope I have the gas money....dollars in my checking account are a bit low at the moment...sigh

Sunny Delight said...


A stand up hug, yes, you would not get that would you? But maybe the lie down kind is better than none at all.

Yes, I am leaning toward stress being the cause...lot of that at the moment. Every time I turn around there seems to be something else to add to the weight of it all.

Hmm a neck massage, now that would be almost as good as a hug!

Sunny Delight said...

Ahh deb, no sex? Darn! ~laughing~

George said...

Although I DO miss the sex, what I miss most are hugs and cuddling. They work wonders on all parts of you, inside and out. I certainly wish that I could be there to give you all hugs ... well, perhaps only the women ...

For the mowing ... do what you want, when you want to .. a little here, a little there ... in time it all gets done.

Be well.

plan0 said...

Headaches suck, but I too get them too often. My chiro says I have way too much stress and I'm nothing but tension. Stress + allergies = headache.

So you're letting the grass grow - what's that code for? To quote Dr. Seuss, "I could not, would not, with a goat" except YOU need goats for your lawn. Hmmm... I thought you had kids that think themselves of drinking age, why are you mowing the lawn?

Sunny Delight said...


Hugs and cuddling are very soothing, and it has been way way too long since I had either.

As for the mowing, I at first viewed it that way...a bit here, a bit there, but then I would be riding that thing every thanks!


A goat, or goats? Nah, they smell, for a year of my life, when I was 8, I had to milk goats...a horse, now a horse would be good.

I do have kids that could do it...Miss Daughter still does the mowing at her Dads, as well as her other "farm" I don't ask her.

As for Mr. Son...he is currently on my list of people to give a swift kick in the a## to...

Actually he is the only person on that list!

He has been hearing my nagging pretty much nonstop for awhile now. I want him back in school, I want him to do something around here, I want him to do more than think about what he wants to do with his life...I want him to DO!
Small inroads are being I am not going to give up...even though I hate being a nag, but with any luck, one of two things will happen..

1) He will soon reach the understanding that I am right.


2) He will tire of my constant encouragement and move out, finally facing the challenges of real life, with real bills to pay.

Anonymous said...

Oh, God, I know your problem with lack of contact! My wife is a WONDERFUL person, just not physical. I am rather physical. I like to be touched, hugged and any other contact. My wife thinks that touching leads to sex, and most of the time she would rather not. I suppose that the reason is that I try to respect her wishes, and avoid "excessive" (my word, not hers) touching except when I am so horny I can't think. Then touching DOES lead to sex.

I don't really understand her reluctance to have sex, or the touching that could lead up to it. When we have sex, she usually does get into it and has multiple orgasms. I'd have thought this would leave her wanting more....

Anyway, I need a good hugging now too. Even without the sex.

I have been wondering if this is the way I want to spend the rest of my life. But she is a wonderful person in every other way!

Maybe this is MY problem? Sometimes I think (apparently the way you once did) that maybe I am not good enough to be loved more. If she really loved me more wouldn't she want to fill my emptiness? Would that be so hard and awful?