I have dithered away my day so far, one long phone conversation with a friend talking about all things divorce, and how very much it effects every single part of lives...especially our health, and mental outlook. It has only begun for me, and I am already tiring of the entire process. Over and over, I hear from others of how they just wish it would all end, so that they will feel as if they can get their lives started again.
And here I sit, only a couple months into it, and I am wishing, hoping, wanting the same thing...for it all to just end, be over with...
Sigh...that's not gonna happen though.
A day in which I need to mow...just don't wanta...it is a 7 hour job...on a good day. I have let some of the grass grow, mostly around the area I reserve for family/friend campsites. It looks really pretty now, the campsite is an area filled with trees, and I have only cut the grass in the area set aside for tents and the campfire, so as the grass continues to grow, it is more and more secluded. Plus, I have the hope that as that area becomes more naturalized the deer will eventually come in closer to the house, now they just stay to the back end of the property near the far tree line.
So much I want to do to this place...painting, replacing 'almost' non-working water faucets, dragging away all the "stuff" that only clutters up life...yet...I do not know how long I will be living here. So, do I accomplish the tasks I want to? Or, wait until I find out if I will be here for the long-term?
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Several people recently have told me I seem more tense than usual, that I can't seem to let go, and be myself.
I want to, I wish I could.
But every time I turn around, there seems to be one more thing to worry about. None of which I can do a thing about, but let time pass, and hope.
And, even though the tension, the worry is there, I really just want to let loose and have some fun...
I want to dance, hike, visit a museum, play in the rain, laugh, enjoy some really great conversation, food and wine with friends, take a road trip with the top off the jeep, explore!
Mostly wishing for a hug...I haven't experienced a warm loving, cherishing hug from a man in several years...the last hug from my husband was a tearful goodbye hug...and before that...well, we had lost even that intimacy.
I ache for a hug....to be wrapped in the arms of someone I love, someone I cherish, to feel his hands warming my skin, or his fingers combing through my hair, his lips on my aching temples. Just a hug, a simple hug that would allow me to melt into him, to feel him melt into me.
Sigh...that's not gonna happen either.
An Interesting Little Piece of Advice Regarding Hugs, from a Relationship Article:
A 20 Second Hug Everyday – Research indicates that receiving hugs significantly increases the supply of oxygen to all the organs in our bodies. A hug causes our body to release endorphins. A hug can be a refuge, a sanctuary, a safe haven to go to when you need to know that you are cared about. There will be times in your relationship when your mate is crabby, argumentative and unreasonable. At times like this, the last thing you’ll want to do is hug him. But, that’s the time when your mate needs a hug the most. There is nothing like a warm embrace to calm and soothe a cranky person. It takes at least 5 seconds to block out all the outside distractions and another 15 seconds to exchange that loving energy with one another. When hugging, it is important to remember that not only are you giving, you are receiving. Just as with the 10-second kiss, you and your mate begin to breathe in unison and become one. When giving a hug, focus on sending love from your heart. When receiving a hug, focus on taking love in through your heart. If you take the time to feel both the giving and receiving, your hug will nurture you, your mate and your relationship.