Inhospitable: Unfavorable to life or growth; hostile, not welcoming guests; not friendly towards strangers, not inclined to, or characterized by, hospitality, as persons or actions; unfriendly.
Climate: the prevailing attitudes, standards, or environmental conditions of a group, period, or place.
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Somewhere (don't remember where), I heard the phrase which is the title of this entry. It grabbed me by the psyche. It seems to have grown claws, and is hanging on ever so tightly. Throughout these past few weeks, the phrase growls across my neurons, rests there for a bit, other thoughts, emotions become attached to it, and then it slinks off to a corner, waiting to pounce once again.It will be there...just there...again...no rhyme nor reason...but with each reoccurrence the words carry more weight...oppressively so.
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The words, An Inhospitable Climate, reverberate, seem to exacerbate my emotional instabilities.
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Inhospitable, I spent 30 years with someone who somehow became inhospitable...over the past 10 years, so very many times, I have asked myself why. Did I do that to him? Make him so...so...so ugly? If so, what did I do? Not love enough? Not love in the right way?I changed me, and changed me, and changed me, until I no longer existed...
The funny thing, I realized while struggling with the burdensome weight of the words, An Inhospitable Climate, it was after all of those changes, he became inhospitable.
Was that it? He fell in love with me...then attempted to change me into someone else...but she wasn't who he loved...the girl/woman he fell in love with...got lost amidst it all. Then when I finally realized I was gone, I became inhospitable? I couldn't love me, thus depleting my ability to love him?
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Among the many definitions of Climate were the following words, "Human activity, especially relating to actions relating to the depletion of..."
The depletion of what? The depletion of ourselves? The depletion of our very spirit, our souls?
There are times when I look back upon what I am beginning to view as my 'lost' years, when I can see how the light inside me began to fade.
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A young coworker told me today, "I love your laugh, it is so sweet, I smile every time I hear it."
The words, An Inhospitable Climate, made their claws felt then. Why then?
There came a time when I lost my ability to feel joy, to become abandoned with laughter when in my husband's presence. There are days now, and were many in my early years, when laughter seemed to bubble within me.
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I am seeking, striving, wishing, dreaming, hoping, praying for the faith to create within me, once again...A Hospitable Climate.
There are days, in which I think I have. There are days in which I think I have not.
There are days, in which I think I have. There are days in which I think I have not.
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Two months ago, or so, Miss Daughter said to me, "Mom, lighten up, you are more tense now than you've ever been. Where are YOU?" (not her exact words, but close)
She was playing the song, I Will Survive by Aretha Franklin, attempting to get me to sing along, (even though I cannot carry, or even find a tune, I still sing with her on most occasions...it feels good, and my complete lack of talent makes her laugh, and our children's laughter is beautiful). I was buried in a quagmire of despair.
Two nights later, she tried again, I sang that night, but not fully, not as I have in the past. Again, I couldn't find my inner lightness, my inner joy.
It is there now, on most days, for awhile, but at some point during the day, the habit of thinking I am not good enough reappears, and my ability to find the simple joys in each small moment disappears for a bit. My spirit becomes An Inhospitable Climate to me.
She was playing the song, I Will Survive by Aretha Franklin, attempting to get me to sing along, (even though I cannot carry, or even find a tune, I still sing with her on most occasions...it feels good, and my complete lack of talent makes her laugh, and our children's laughter is beautiful). I was buried in a quagmire of despair.
Two nights later, she tried again, I sang that night, but not fully, not as I have in the past. Again, I couldn't find my inner lightness, my inner joy.
It is there now, on most days, for awhile, but at some point during the day, the habit of thinking I am not good enough reappears, and my ability to find the simple joys in each small moment disappears for a bit. My spirit becomes An Inhospitable Climate to me.
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It is a poison in my inner atmosphere.
Only when I am able to completely leach out that poison, will I truly have a hospitable climate of the spirit.
Only when I am able to completely leach out that poison, will I truly have a hospitable climate of the spirit.
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I miss me.
I miss me.
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6 comments:
Hmm. As a confirmed bachelor, I've always accepted that if I did marry someone, I would have to change some aspects of myself. After all, I going from life alone to life with someone requires an adjustment.
Still, I've always feared (maybe 'feared' is too strong a word), that if I did marry, there would be pressure on me to change the inner core of who I am, something far beyond an adjustment.
That seems to be what you're describing here.
Perhaps you've kept some record of yourself somewhere: photos, yearbooks, momentos, etc. Maybe now is a good time to become reacquainted with them.
Enjoy those times when the laughter comes. It's what makes us ALIVE!
PS I miss you too
There is nothing wrong with you and the you that you are looking for is within you, waiting to be uncovered, waiting for the light to shine again.
As for your husband, you could not make him happy because we cannot make another happy, we can only make ourselves happy. We cannot change another, only they can do that.
And as to why he did not find you acceptable, that is his problem and he has his own demons that he needs to deal with
Speak your truth, with kindness and compassion and then let go. We can't control others, we can only do our best.
And there's nothing wrong with being sad, with grieving the end of your marriage, the grieving the end of hope for your marriage.
Sending you a hug sweetie.
Another thought provoking post Sunny. Sometimes wonder who I am. Spent most of my life trying to be something to other people, and still am in a way. One day...... perhaps!
x.dell,
I do accept that we change ourselves to give love to our partner, to me those are small things, that end up making life more loving and livable for both...but I ended burying essential parts of me...thus, in the end realizing that I wasn't who he wanted...although this is an extreme form of relationship...it was very difficult for me to accept (still not sure I have completely), but I was never his partner, I was one of his possessions. Sigh...
In minute amounts, I am becoming reacquainted with me. The people in my life who truly do love me...are helping with that.
SC,
I am trying...even this message from you, gave me a smile.
I miss you too!
deb,
Perhaps we cannot make another happy, but what a gift (to ourselves and our friends and loved ones) if we can add to their happiness with our own small acts of love, acceptance, kindness, and joyful sharing.
Ian,
Maybe, we can be that someone...if the essential part of ourselves is fully functional and a part of it. I honestly don't know at this point. I spent too many years trying to fill a role I just wasn't cut our for, and I failed.
Now...I have to learn how to just be me...and accept me... failings...and triumphs...I am finally truly, truly realizing I do have some triumphs in my life.
Very, very nice post.. but it sounds to me like you know exactly which way you're going, and you also know what you need to do to get there.
I'm learning too... but I'm learning it's gonna be ok.
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