It has been well over a week since I really spent any time thinking about my Soon-To-Be-Ex-Husband, I was so very angry, and disappointed at his last attempt at the game of control. Thus, I didn't want to think about him at all, add in a very busy week, and it was quite easy to relegate him to the back of my mind.
But I saw him tonight, for the first time in...hmmm...I am not quite sure how long, perhaps a month. Anyway, I saw him quite briefly earlier this evening, and the feelings I experienced had me wondering, thinking, and reaching conclusions.
I am well past the anger I felt the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, plus this past Friday afternoon, I did something about that, probably not the brightest impulsive decision I have made, but I did it, and no going back on that.**
As I was saying, I saw him briefly tonight. I was standing at the front door to my old home speaking with Miss Daughter, when he walked up behind her and our eyes met. There was no animosity in his expression, nor in mine. My immediate impulse was...to ask how he is doing, how his trip last week had been, how his Aunt and Uncle were doing, how his Mother is and when she is planning her next visit, how his work is going. I was/am truly interested in all of those things.
But, I didn't ask. I said nothing, not even hello, (which is not my normal behavior toward anyone), I hugged Miss Daughter goodbye and left. As I drove away, first I questioned myself as to why I behave that way with him now. It has become a habit, and I couldn't remember why...then I remembered. In early March, I read an article, written by Dr. Joseph Carver, about controlling people, how they are almost compelled to control, how they find it very hard to let go, and how the one escaping their control should behave to keep them at a distance, to give them no false hopes the relationship (their control) can be revived. So, I keep myself aloof, I try very hard not to engage in any conversational topics beyond our children, or the logistics of the divorce itself.
I am saddened by it, but it has become a part of my behavior with him of late. I also know for now, I must continue similar behavior, at least until things are settled and the divorce is final.
As I was driving home, several thoughts were flickering through my brain;
I am happier without him in my daily life, most of the time life seems...easier...putting some of those fears which haunted me for so many years behind me I suppose. Another thought briefly flashed through my mind as well, all of us who have been in committed relationships probably think it from time to time. It will probably not be the last time either.
The thought was...
Could we ever make it work? If I went back, if we talked and worked really really hard, could we work our way through it, would it work? Just as quickly I thought...no..no...no...sadly no...it wouldn't, we couldn't. He doesn't think his way is the wrong way, at least not if the way he treats our children is any measure, and not by the little controlling mind games he still plays with me. So, no, we will never be together again.
I do hope, oh how I hope, we will someday be friends. For you see, I do love him, I think I always will, I just cannot love him as a life partner (not that we were partners, although for so many years I refused to see I was only a possession to be controlled). I know with certainty I could never trust any changes, I would always be waiting, I would always be walking on egg shells, I would always be wondering when it would start again.
** Friday my work day ended earlier than normal, as I was driving past my old home, I realized my Soon-To-Be-Ex-Husband would not be home for several hours yet. I also realized no one has a key to the house but him. Miss Daughter has to be able to get in somehow. So he must leave at least one door unlocked for her. He did. I went in. I opened up the storage closet filled with our Christmas decorations, and I took some. Not many, a couple of strings of lights, the ornaments that I think of as more mine than his (most were gifted to me over the years from friends and family members), my favorite Christmas tree skirt, and a Christmas print I hang on the wall each year. I rationalized it by telling myself, it would have happened eventually, it was easier without him there, and I didn't take any of the family ornaments, or any that his grandmother had given me/us. Dumb? Maybe. I will know soon enough, when he realizes those things are missing. A part of me feels as if I was stealing, feels as if I violated his space, for that is how I would feel if he did that here. Granted there is nothing here that he would want...except maybe me...and that is only a maybe in my mind at this point...there are many times when I believe he is rather relieved I ended our marriage, he just hasn't admitted it to himself yet.