Friday, March 25, 2011

On My Knees

Until a few days ago, I don't think I've ever really considered the question, "What would bring me to my knees?"

In my own ambigous way, I am a spiritual person.

I've prayed to, thanked, ranted at, questioned, and ignored my ambiguously thought of God(s) many times in my 50 plus years on this earth.

But no person or event, nothing, has ever literally brought me to my knees.

Not until last Sunday afternoon.

A phone call from my mother, to tell me my youngest niece had been taken to emergency room because she had cut her wrist attempting suicide. I felt for the briefest of moments as if my entire self had shut down. We talked for a few more minutes, I then called my brother, father of my 14 year old niece, I spoke with him almost calmly only slightly teary, I spoke briefly with my niece, she replied she loved me too when I told her I loved her.

We hung up.

I was seated in a rocking chair, slowly, ever so slowly rocking back and forth, barely breathing.

The words, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no echoing in my mind. Wanting to go there, to see her, hold her, cry with her. But, she had said no when I asked if I could come, my brother had said they wouldn't let me see her anyway. I'm here I told her, I'm here I told him.

I've had other family members injured terribly, other family members near death. As is part of life, I've lost friends and family. I at times did not believe I would escape the divorce process emotionally whole or healthy. I've experienced wonderous things in my life that brought offerings of gratitude from my heart, from my lips to my God.


Not one time did I fall to my knees and beg my God over and over to help.

Not until Sunday.

After those few moments of begging I withdrew to somewhere deep within. There is a part of my heart that is holding its breath unable to come up for air. Not just yet.

Her mother committed suicide 13 years ago, this makes her daughter ever so much more fragile.


Jonas said...

In strange synchronicity, I wrote these words earlier today:

All joys and dreams disintegrated when the black hole devoured the cosmos.

Only desperate hope, fevered prayers, blind faith and love eternal remain.

(I learned that "Amazing Woman" is dying)

Sunny Delight said...

Your words brought forth anger in me Jon, anger that has surprised me.
This isn't abut you.
This isn't about something or someone you hold concealed deep within your long lost dreams. This is not about you at all.

This is about my niece. her life, her angst. My sorrow that I cannot heal her pain. This is something only she alone can heal. A healing I truly pray she can find, for I am selfish, I do not wish to lose her.

Amazing Woman chose another over you many years ago. I no longer wonder why!

Jonas said...

I'm sorry you interpreted my comment the way you did. No, it wasn't about me, it wasn't intended to be about me. What I had hoped to convey were the emotions ANY human being may feel when confronted with a tragedy befalling a beloved one.


I won't darken your door again.

Fiona said...

Sunny, my thoughts are with you and your neice....I know you will hold her tight even from the miles apart. I cannot fathom how this must feel, but I see your pain and I hold you both in my thoughts.


Sunny Delight said...

Jon, my words were harsh, I lashed out using anger as a salve to pain. It was inappropriate and wrong. I apologize.

I rarely use this place anymore to sort through my thoughts and emotions. But when my need is highest I still think of this venue. I have forgotten how often words can be misconstrued.

Thank you.

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X. Dell said...

The thing about suicide--or even suicidal ideation--is that the whole family suffers; as your niece can well tell you.

Healing is probable, given time and the patience not to pick at the emotional scabs. Of course, patience isn't something that many of us aren't blessed with in abundance nowadays. I do hope, however, that she did find the patience.

As to you healing after this: I'm hoping that you remember what you did the last time you had to confront this.

My best to you always.

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