Until a few days ago, I don't think I've ever really considered the question, "What would bring me to my knees?"
In my own ambigous way, I am a spiritual person.
I've prayed to, thanked, ranted at, questioned, and ignored my ambiguously thought of God(s) many times in my 50 plus years on this earth.
But no person or event, nothing, has ever literally brought me to my knees.
Not until last Sunday afternoon.
A phone call from my mother, to tell me my youngest niece had been taken to emergency room because she had cut her wrist attempting suicide. I felt for the briefest of moments as if my entire self had shut down. We talked for a few more minutes, I then called my brother, father of my 14 year old niece, I spoke with him almost calmly only slightly teary, I spoke briefly with my niece, she replied she loved me too when I told her I loved her.
We hung up.
I was seated in a rocking chair, slowly, ever so slowly rocking back and forth, barely breathing.
The words, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no echoing in my mind. Wanting to go there, to see her, hold her, cry with her. But, she had said no when I asked if I could come, my brother had said they wouldn't let me see her anyway. I'm here I told her, I'm here I told him.
I've had other family members injured terribly, other family members near death. As is part of life, I've lost friends and family. I at times did not believe I would escape the divorce process emotionally whole or healthy. I've experienced wonderous things in my life that brought offerings of gratitude from my heart, from my lips to my God.
Not one time did I fall to my knees and beg my God over and over to help.
Not until Sunday.
After those few moments of begging I withdrew to somewhere deep within. There is a part of my heart that is holding its breath unable to come up for air. Not just yet.
Her mother committed suicide 13 years ago, this makes her daughter ever so much more fragile.